To Have No Fear

How does one have no fear? I suspect in the grand spectre of life, fear is not something that can be destroyed completely. Confronted, encountered, overcome? Yes. But it is not so easy as it sounds.

For the past month and more, fears have plagued me. Fears of loss, fears of change, fear of living now. Fear of accepting myself. Fear of not knowing all that is to be known. From fear, breeds insecurity, and from there, it becomes a very difficult path. Darkness becomes light and light is hidden in the background. Fear and doubt separates people -- it separates within, and it can separate without.

For the past day, I have tried to observe my fear. To feel it, to know it, but not to grap hold of it or push it away. The thought occurred to me last night, while watching a movie -- if I 'buy into' fear's game by overthinking and doubting, how will I overcome it? And if I suppress it, how will I overcome it then? Both breed more ground from fear.

One of fears first main tricks, I've realized, is to put itself onto someone or something else -- something external. For me, its main force lies in my best relationship. Even in typing, "best relationship," I can feel my fear come and try to bring doubt and darkness to that sentence. But I know, in my head and in the peaceful, pure parts of my heart, that it is true. I know that when fear does not grab hold, I love her. I know that even so much as seeing her, or talking to her, can ease my fear considerably. So by this logic, the fear certainly is coming from within.

It has occurred to me that fear is only enabled by living in the future, or living in the past. Living in the now, letting it unfold, seeing where it will go, plucks fear up at its roots. Indeed, expectations, fantasies, and 'lost in the future'-ness all breed fear. Fear that what you have in your head cannot become real. Fear that letting life surprise you will somehow be a shame. But fear, of all things, is one of the easiest to see as false -- its logic does not hold up, and its power diminishes under love and caring.



Sadness of the past, and failures and disappointments in myself bring about fear and doubt. The present moment never brings doubt to bear. But it is so hard to living in the present. When fears of past relationship failures, when projections of the past try to force themselves onto the reality now, when fears of loss of identity with tragedy come, it is not always easy to stay in the present moment. Inspiration bubbles up from seeing now as now. When you feel so drained, so emotional and physically tired all the time, when you feel that you have no more to contribute and that somehow there is something better beyond the present moment, I realize that fears such as these build on each other -- and in order to be confronted and overcome, they must not be enabled.

I once heard that 'where you fear, is where you must go.' If this is true, and what I fear is vulnerableness, faith (in myself, in others, and in life itself), and the future -- or doubts of myself to the point where it tries to undo my past out of fear -- then that is where I must be. That is where I must go. Fears of the past, all bottled up and ready to come out at the slightest flinch, fabricating themselves on top of themselves -- that is what is happening now.Though I try to manage it all inside, at least I have her. Even if I can feel resentment towards others and myself, even somehow including her (which is shocking to me), all due to fear, I can tell her. I can't tell others. With her, there is the possibility.

I wonder where this fear came from, how it grew, where its origins were. Since all of us can feel fear almost at least once every day, it is hard to tell where one began and where another ended. Indeed, in the month of February, there were moments where fear did start to show itself, even in small meaningless things. Perhaps the mistake that ensued was that the fear presented itself as control, and that is something that I may not have let go of. Control showed up with the promise that it could replicate these good feelings by not letting life unfold, by not "just seeing what will happen," but by actively making the future certain. The results of this emotion, presenting itself as fear, is happily not so worrisome, as my beloved is understanding of me, but the real problem lay in the intention -- since control and fear thrive on idealism, it is empowered by not seeing what it wants happen. Control and fear grows. In this way, the pure intention of control is futile. It will never win. By controlling, life loses its magic. By expecting, we miss life as it really is. By projecting, with possibilities, we miss the possibilities and moments available to us now. In short, these emotions that I grabbed hold of for comfort can destroy the person who grabs onto them, and it will keep you chasing something beyond yourself forever, never happy with what is.

Luckily I have at least seen this in myself. It could very well be that I, without a good friend and companion & meditation training, would not have realized this. Like so many others, control and fear would have destroyed my life, blotting out the loves and pleasures it promised so dearly. This I cannot let happen.

I see my fears now. More will unfold in the future. I do not understand them completely, I do not know where each fear starts from and where the next begins. But I do know this -- within myself, and together with her help, I will not allow fear and uncertainty to cloud my life. It has before and to let it happen again would be a very big folly. To see life as it is, to know projections and idealisms in your head & to not let them faze you -- in this way, fears and uncertainty will lose their power. They lose their power to the only thing that they can't handle -- the present moment, as it is, the world, in all its beauty, as it is, with no expectation, no gold-standard for the world to live up to. The world is its own gold-standard. When fear and uncertainty see this, suddenly their power goes up in smoke.