The Same Deep Water As You

Perhaps my most personal song...in the core of my heart, I share this with only one person out there who understands.

Memories of Green

Thoughts of nostalgia and warmth today, amidst gazing at the snowy landscape.

One More Time

Dreams of the horizon and love....

Biggest Fears

There is this old quote that says that in your closest relationships, your biggest fears come out. As you can imagine, they can scare the bejeezus out of anybody, because they are the most innermost fears, suppressed for so long. Plus, you don't want to scare or hurt the other person. Now, I can't quite remember who said that quote, but I think whoever said it knew it too well -- I think he was right.

Biggest fears. We all have them, the ones deep down. The ones where they would ask you what your biggest fear was, and you would say "spiders" or something to avoid the question. But you knew, deep down, the real answer. The real fear, and it scared you so stiff you couldn't even mention it. And we all have them, the biggest fears. And mine are coming out.

I don't want to lose her. I can't. I feel like I need her as much as I need water or air, even just a word from her. I know that is my biggest fear. Of loss. It kills me to lose people, lose friends, lose the things closest to me.... Even worse is to think that I could be the cause of it, I could cause her to leave. And worst would be hurting who I love the most.

A big fear of mine has always been commitment, attachment. And now, thinking about it, maybe it hasn't always been this way, but certainly for the last 5 years it has. And I think the reason is because I'm so afraid of allowing closeness, being completely taken in by someone, because the last time I did, all those years ago, when I lost everything and everyone the pain was so strong. I was just a kid. But those feelings stick with you. And it's been hard to be open like that ever since.

But it's happened. And it's happened in the biggest way. I'm totally "gone" for her, each day I feel closer and more intimate. The fear is being overtaken by love. Sometimes I get scared. In the back of my head, I need her so much, that the thought of her not being there is so hard to even imagine. Will she leave me? Will I mess up? I hope not, but I know it is a fear of mine.

She is the closest I've ever been to a person, to anything, anytime, anywhere. How it is possible, I don't know. I don't know how it works. But I know in my heart that it just does. I can't resist how I feel.


And in my very being, there has always been this huge fear of judgement. Not just judgement of things or ideas or anything, but of me. I can take someone correcting me, or helping me, or informing me -- even persuading me that my views are wrong. I can take that, because I want to learn. But if my innermost feelings and private thoughts are exposed, and I am judged by them, that pain is so much, it is beyond describing. It is too much. To ever meet someone who can see you for who you are and not judge you, is the best you can ever find. Her. :)

And I don't want to waste my potential as a person. I know that's a fear. And it comes out sometimes, in me having a hard time choosing my future, because I've been told all my life by my teachers and peers that I have some kind of unique gift or talent. They could never quite say what it was, they all had their own opinions. But they always would somehow sneak it in, that I had some kind of special potential to change things for the better. And I feel like that too. But I don't want to mess it up, and sometimes that scares me. I don't want to let everyone down.

But the real fear, out of all of this, is that even if all these things happen, the worst of the worst happens, I don't want to lose her. She is everything to me. My heart is in sync with her heart...when she is happy, I am happy, when she is sad, I am sad. We're so close, I feel like this is a wonderful new adventure. But sometimes I still get scared, and it comes out in my feelings or sometimes in my words. I do mess up sometimes. I just feel like there is something so, so special here. Not like anything else I've ever felt. And losing her would be losing myself.

I think of the future sometimes. I try to fit it in, to somehow see her. And I think of ways. I think I can and I think I will. Just the thought makes me excited! :) I even want to leave right now, abandon everything to be with her. But I wonder if I could even do that...abandon my family and my college future. So perhaps I will just stay for the moment. :D But with her, I feel like my fears...they would come out, the deepest ones, they already do... but I feel like I could work past them with her. I feel like things would be okay. And I would have the most important thing to me in my life. Her. :)

Miss You Always

"makes me think that i should hold you everyday
miss you always
miss you always..."

Closest

Never have I felt this close to someone....

Lost Someone

"I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time?"

I never thought I would be like this. I never thought it would turn out like this. Full trust, and I can't help but feel a little bit betrayed. I try to understand how. I promised I would be there, I promised and I was. There were bad days but I stayed. I never thought I would be the one standing alone.

Dreams

Inspired by the fantastical and classic 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode, "The Inner Light," something suddenly occurred to me, and I'd like to get this written down before I forget it.

We live in dreams. Every night, we go to sleep, and we dream. We dream, and dream, and we dream some more. While in the dream, that is our full reality. And while so much inspiration comes from dreams, I've realized something, something that we always miss -- perhaps it is the greatest of all the lessons to be gained from dreaming.

This lesson is of impermanence.

Every dream we ever have, no matter how good or how bad they are, has to end. Every dream we have ever dreamt, all the wonderful landscapes, all the beautiful fantasies, and the idyllic wonders and monstrous horrors -- they all end. Those moments, of which we are so consumed in our dream, all end. The dream doesn't go on forever. Sometimes it goes to a different dream, sometimes it ends and you wake up. And sometimes it ends and you enter dreamless sleep, with no dreams at all. But there is something to be gained from this, something lovely and positive.

That great lesson is that there is only now. When we finish dreaming, usually we don't think of what could have been, usually we think of what was. Those important moments of passion or fear, or a curious intertwining of both, that overwhelm and fully consume us in that present moment. When we dream we are fully there.



Like those tears in rain, this is how our lives are. I'd say we 'should' view our lives like this, since many of us don't, but that would be the wrong tone. All the 'should be' thoughts in our heads are useless. They are painful and lead nowhere, and it is better to not follow them. And you have your own mind, you do not need me to tell you what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' think. You can think for yourself. You simply don't have to buy into the 'should be' game, you always have a choice. So instead I'll say that the beauty of life is that it always reminds us of the temporary-ness of our world and our life. But we'll only hear it if we listen carefully and calm our foggy little heads.

The dream is the greatest of all the human experiences perhaps. After all, it is the ultimate creativity. And it is the ultimate lesson, I have finally realized. Live your life like it is a dream. The circumstances around you are weird and wiggly and absurd, you are from a wondrous and lively world. But in this world you can achieve peace the moment you realize your view of the world is everything.

Without quoting the name of this blog again like a broken cliché, poetically I will put it in a different way.

The actual problems we have in our life, aren't really problems. Why? Every problem in human existence, basically, is trying to be somewhere you aren't. Trying to be with a supermodel, trying to be rich and famous, trying to be happy when you think you aren't; the list is endless. But none of those things will bring you happiness, only the endless cycle of chasing it.

You know -- and I mean this sincerely to anyone reading this -- it is always within your power to live now. That power is no one else's. You and only you have the power to create meaning in your life in this moment.

And with that and the lasting truth of the 'Inner Light,' I'll end this post with the quote to sum it all up:

Seize the time, Meribor. Live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again.

: )