and love.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Fog
Relative roaring.
Relative calm.
Confusion blinds my sight, dark and doubtful feelings still arise and thoughts have trouble ceasing...feelings and sensitivity have trouble growing....
But for a moment today...a brief moment of 15 minutes, no more...I felt calm and sensitive and love with her and her voice and her face and with my favorite band Slowdive....for that moment, just that moment...things were clearer and true and flowing....
It has been shrouded up again but it gives me hope...the rest of the day, my dark thoughts and feelings try their best to conspire against moments like that and prove how wrong they are and ignore their existence...but I must hold on to it, I must not give into confusion and the way of darkness and fog...the fog is subtler now but still there, it hides most feelings except doubt and unease...
But that moment... It gives me hope. It was the most genuine I've felt all day. And genuineness is natural and real and true, more than conflicting and confusing and forced thoughts ever could be. I knew in that moment how much my love was for her and how peace and calm is real...she gives me calm, I hear her voice or see her or see her words, and confusion and fog lifts, if only for a moment.
I love her and she's what I have, all I have. Though thoughts conspire against myself, my feelings, her, and the world...I know they are confusion, I must make it...she keeps me going when I doubt it and though my feelings still are shrouded and my thoughts are shrouded...I feel it is getting better. Every fog can lift...even those inside, even the hardest ones. Truth and dedication and persistence... as the Dalai Lama says, great change doesn't happen overnight...for the fog lifting, it is the same. Though thoughts may conspire against it, I know that truly, I love her. Together, I can make it. To my Frodo, she's my Sam.
This post is taking much out of me, I probably cannot continue it...twice I've felt the uneasiness try to edit and delete my true thoughts on here, but no, must not let. Making it, day by day, getting better though perhaps it is hard to see...she's my mast, and I'm holding tight, waiting and hoping and holding close for the storm in me to pass.
Relative calm.
Confusion blinds my sight, dark and doubtful feelings still arise and thoughts have trouble ceasing...feelings and sensitivity have trouble growing....
But for a moment today...a brief moment of 15 minutes, no more...I felt calm and sensitive and love with her and her voice and her face and with my favorite band Slowdive....for that moment, just that moment...things were clearer and true and flowing....
It has been shrouded up again but it gives me hope...the rest of the day, my dark thoughts and feelings try their best to conspire against moments like that and prove how wrong they are and ignore their existence...but I must hold on to it, I must not give into confusion and the way of darkness and fog...the fog is subtler now but still there, it hides most feelings except doubt and unease...
But that moment... It gives me hope. It was the most genuine I've felt all day. And genuineness is natural and real and true, more than conflicting and confusing and forced thoughts ever could be. I knew in that moment how much my love was for her and how peace and calm is real...she gives me calm, I hear her voice or see her or see her words, and confusion and fog lifts, if only for a moment.
I love her and she's what I have, all I have. Though thoughts conspire against myself, my feelings, her, and the world...I know they are confusion, I must make it...she keeps me going when I doubt it and though my feelings still are shrouded and my thoughts are shrouded...I feel it is getting better. Every fog can lift...even those inside, even the hardest ones. Truth and dedication and persistence... as the Dalai Lama says, great change doesn't happen overnight...for the fog lifting, it is the same. Though thoughts may conspire against it, I know that truly, I love her. Together, I can make it. To my Frodo, she's my Sam.
This post is taking much out of me, I probably cannot continue it...twice I've felt the uneasiness try to edit and delete my true thoughts on here, but no, must not let. Making it, day by day, getting better though perhaps it is hard to see...she's my mast, and I'm holding tight, waiting and hoping and holding close for the storm in me to pass.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Inner Battle
Voldemort: "You've lost... So weak, so vulnerable! Look at me!"
Harry Potter: "...You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Valley of Darkness
"When I was young, I was told: 'You'll see, when you're fifty.' I am fifty and I haven't seen a thing." -- Erik Satie
I feel like I'm on the far side of the moon, and I'm out of contact.
This past month has been very hard for me. It has been inexplicable, but I have not felt these feelings since the dark times. I haven't felt these things since all the way back to depression. And somehow it's gotten worse in some spots as well. For almost a week I had difficulty even playing the smallest bit of music. Until very recently I had a hard time even listening to music to enjoy it. Everything seemed a chore. Waking up seemed a chore. I had basically one bright spot in my life that kept me going. I'm still glad I have her with me -- if I didn't, who knows where I would be now -- but the fact that what seems to be taking place in my heart affects all -- if it is hard on me, it must affect her. That is the last thing I want, but what can I do.
I will not pretend that distance does not make it hard. It does. It makes it difficult. Sometimes I need a hug and it's just not possible. It increases my missing of her so much that sometimes it is indeed pretty much instantaneous -- sometimes I miss her the moment she leaves, or the moment I leave, a conversation. Do I have an explanation for this? The fact is that I care. I have feelings, and they are what they are, I won't make excuses for them. I have a lot of feeling towards her.
Do I think about it a lot? Yes. Do I wait around on Facebook for long stretches of time? Yes. Do I get impatient not knowing about the future? Yes. Yes to everything. Do I feel sad and confused sometimes? Do I feel alone without her? Do I miss her terribly and need her in my life? Yes to all, I can't fight it. Do I not understand why I can't know, why it cannot be asked, the plans for the summer? Why it is so impossible to ask and to know so I can get my passport? Do I want to know this? Do I get frustrated? Yes, yes, what am I to say, but yes?
But although distance has made it hard, this cannot be the full explanation for my feelings as of late, for this depression. If that were so it would have been this way back in December as well, and it was not. I know that this is more -- this is me. The problem is me. I feel no direction. I have always felt direction. I have always felt that I was improving, that I was learning, that I was moving towards some creative peak. I no longer feel this. Sometimes I feel like crying, and I don't know why. I have had to force myself to eat lately, for I don't get hungry and can go too long (an entire day, not so long ago) without food. Emotions berate me in places I used to be content in. A relief is that it is tremendously helpful to have her in my life to help me with some of this, but she is not always there, and she doesn't know everything about it, as I do not want to burden her with so much of my troubles. My inner door is open only to her, but what is inside can scare even me.
I have not felt this lack of purpose in a very long time. Perhaps in forever. Philosophically, I am lost. Thoughts only disturb me, they do not help. As I know from Zen, what I am experiencing is delusion -- I read passages of Zen and it is so clear that this is my case, of delusion. My door has closed to everyone else in terms of life. I wish I knew why, as it would be very helpful. But I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like deleting everything of me and shredding everything to pieces, myself included, but I know there is at least one person out there who cares.
I have had brief spouts of respite this month. Almost all involve talking with her and communicating with her -- those have been the moments keeping me going. With her it becomes bearable, and in it I mostly do not feel alone anymore -- I mostly feel okay, and love. But it is so hard outside of these times -- in my classes, I have little social interaction due to the large class sizes and internet. Sometimes, she and my roommate are the only people I talk to all day. They are my threads of existence I hold onto, even if I can sometimes get annoyed by my roommate's presence.
Dreams of late have bothered me, and even more so....what I have been lately. Today, I felt so horrible for doing something, saying something I wish I had not. Also, I have a hard time even discussing MBTI theory with my roommate anymore, because I don't want to be treated as an INFP. I wanted to be treated as a human being, forget INFP. For someone who hates judgements so much, in my heart judgements have been all I've been doing lately -- seeing how this is wrong, this should be controlled, this is not right -- and I don't want it at all. And what have I been judging the most? Me. I rip myself to pieces. Sometimes I wish it would stop, I feel like just collapsing. I wish those thoughts would just fucking go away. I've been healthy before, I've been healthy with her -- why can't I just be like that all the time?
The only things that bring me hope in my life, in this, is her, and perhaps the thoughts of some Zen I read, that suggest there is hope always in the change of things. It says every moment always changes, and I guess that really is true, that this can change. It seems so hard. My future looks so hard for me, in school and so forth. I mask it well, but internally it is very rough -- only she knows about it, and my roommate a little. She is the only one who understands, even if she doesn't always completely understand -- she understands the most. But also, this Zen, it suggests I can feel at peace once more. Left to myself, I have felt nothing but internal chaos and a feeling of manic lately. I have meditated on and off for the past 3 years, and as of late I have gotten a little afraid of it -- not so much afraid of the meditation itself, but of me -- and so that has been tough. But perhaps I will meditate once more.
Though I travel through the valley of darkness, and I doubt everything, including myself, her, everyone, my future -- I have her, that I must believe. I do love her, and with her I feel loved. It keeps me going. I just please hope that this black darkness and shrieking confusion will just go away soon....
I feel like I'm on the far side of the moon, and I'm out of contact.
This past month has been very hard for me. It has been inexplicable, but I have not felt these feelings since the dark times. I haven't felt these things since all the way back to depression. And somehow it's gotten worse in some spots as well. For almost a week I had difficulty even playing the smallest bit of music. Until very recently I had a hard time even listening to music to enjoy it. Everything seemed a chore. Waking up seemed a chore. I had basically one bright spot in my life that kept me going. I'm still glad I have her with me -- if I didn't, who knows where I would be now -- but the fact that what seems to be taking place in my heart affects all -- if it is hard on me, it must affect her. That is the last thing I want, but what can I do.
I will not pretend that distance does not make it hard. It does. It makes it difficult. Sometimes I need a hug and it's just not possible. It increases my missing of her so much that sometimes it is indeed pretty much instantaneous -- sometimes I miss her the moment she leaves, or the moment I leave, a conversation. Do I have an explanation for this? The fact is that I care. I have feelings, and they are what they are, I won't make excuses for them. I have a lot of feeling towards her.
Do I think about it a lot? Yes. Do I wait around on Facebook for long stretches of time? Yes. Do I get impatient not knowing about the future? Yes. Yes to everything. Do I feel sad and confused sometimes? Do I feel alone without her? Do I miss her terribly and need her in my life? Yes to all, I can't fight it. Do I not understand why I can't know, why it cannot be asked, the plans for the summer? Why it is so impossible to ask and to know so I can get my passport? Do I want to know this? Do I get frustrated? Yes, yes, what am I to say, but yes?
But although distance has made it hard, this cannot be the full explanation for my feelings as of late, for this depression. If that were so it would have been this way back in December as well, and it was not. I know that this is more -- this is me. The problem is me. I feel no direction. I have always felt direction. I have always felt that I was improving, that I was learning, that I was moving towards some creative peak. I no longer feel this. Sometimes I feel like crying, and I don't know why. I have had to force myself to eat lately, for I don't get hungry and can go too long (an entire day, not so long ago) without food. Emotions berate me in places I used to be content in. A relief is that it is tremendously helpful to have her in my life to help me with some of this, but she is not always there, and she doesn't know everything about it, as I do not want to burden her with so much of my troubles. My inner door is open only to her, but what is inside can scare even me.
I have not felt this lack of purpose in a very long time. Perhaps in forever. Philosophically, I am lost. Thoughts only disturb me, they do not help. As I know from Zen, what I am experiencing is delusion -- I read passages of Zen and it is so clear that this is my case, of delusion. My door has closed to everyone else in terms of life. I wish I knew why, as it would be very helpful. But I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like deleting everything of me and shredding everything to pieces, myself included, but I know there is at least one person out there who cares.
I have had brief spouts of respite this month. Almost all involve talking with her and communicating with her -- those have been the moments keeping me going. With her it becomes bearable, and in it I mostly do not feel alone anymore -- I mostly feel okay, and love. But it is so hard outside of these times -- in my classes, I have little social interaction due to the large class sizes and internet. Sometimes, she and my roommate are the only people I talk to all day. They are my threads of existence I hold onto, even if I can sometimes get annoyed by my roommate's presence.
Dreams of late have bothered me, and even more so....what I have been lately. Today, I felt so horrible for doing something, saying something I wish I had not. Also, I have a hard time even discussing MBTI theory with my roommate anymore, because I don't want to be treated as an INFP. I wanted to be treated as a human being, forget INFP. For someone who hates judgements so much, in my heart judgements have been all I've been doing lately -- seeing how this is wrong, this should be controlled, this is not right -- and I don't want it at all. And what have I been judging the most? Me. I rip myself to pieces. Sometimes I wish it would stop, I feel like just collapsing. I wish those thoughts would just fucking go away. I've been healthy before, I've been healthy with her -- why can't I just be like that all the time?
The only things that bring me hope in my life, in this, is her, and perhaps the thoughts of some Zen I read, that suggest there is hope always in the change of things. It says every moment always changes, and I guess that really is true, that this can change. It seems so hard. My future looks so hard for me, in school and so forth. I mask it well, but internally it is very rough -- only she knows about it, and my roommate a little. She is the only one who understands, even if she doesn't always completely understand -- she understands the most. But also, this Zen, it suggests I can feel at peace once more. Left to myself, I have felt nothing but internal chaos and a feeling of manic lately. I have meditated on and off for the past 3 years, and as of late I have gotten a little afraid of it -- not so much afraid of the meditation itself, but of me -- and so that has been tough. But perhaps I will meditate once more.
Though I travel through the valley of darkness, and I doubt everything, including myself, her, everyone, my future -- I have her, that I must believe. I do love her, and with her I feel loved. It keeps me going. I just please hope that this black darkness and shrieking confusion will just go away soon....
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Still so powerful all these years later, even to those like me who aren't Irish. Words to be remembered.
"Let me tell you something. I have had enough of Irish-Americans who haven't been back to 'their country' in twenty or thirty years come up to me and talk about 'the resistance', 'the revolution' back home and the 'glory' of the revolution and the glory of 'dying' for the revolution. Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of KILLING for the revolution! What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day? Where's the glory in that? To leave them dying or crippled for life or dead under the rubble of the revolution, that the majority of the people in my country don't want? Sing NO MORE!"
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Under Ice
Dark moods have found their way to my heart lately, but at least through it all, I have her by my side, the most precious, precious breath of air in my wintery life...she's everything to me. It helps. Sometimes I dream of holding her in my arms, and I wish with every atom in my body that I could right now, and to be with her...I feel like I need it as much as I need water, or air, from my best, best friend and so much more. Though darkness can envelope my heart, she's with me, and that makes it all more okay. The thought of her keeps me warm and safe at night. I love her so much.
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