Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sensitivity


For this moment, I feel the most sensitivity I have felt in over a month. I truly cherish being here this moment, and I truly cherish her, my precious flower of Estonia. Melancholy, sensitivity, and cherishing. Nothing in feeling has been lost, it is all here. It is true the fire of love can be re-ignited, with an open and sensitive heart, into her mystery....

Monday, March 28, 2011

Seeds


My heart floats along, on a stream of calm water now...what is this feeling I feel in this moment? After some remembering and feeling, I remember what this feeling is called -- this feeling is called intimacy. Intimacy, with myself. Intimacy, with her.

Love. Do people know what it is? We use the word so easily. The distinction between "friends" and "lovers" splits apart our minds like cement blocks under a hammer and a pick. To be in love. When we feel rapture, we say that is love. When we feel sexual, we say that is love. When we feel infatuation, we say that is love. When we feel romance, we say it is love. Which is right?

Ask anyone in one of those states and they will tell you -- yes yes and yes, it is genuine. But what about moments later, after the rapture has faded? After the sexuality has faded naturally? After infatuation has faded? After romance has relaxed? All of these things spring up and go back down naturally. But what about after, do we "fall out of love" when they aren't there in that moment?

All of this is perhaps from the wrong point of view. But if love isn't a line, and all of these things spring up and fade away, what is love? What is the bedrock? What is the heart and soul of good love, beyond simple attraction?

Intimacy. That feeling, the feeling of intimacy, of perfect connection, perfect openness, perfect understanding -- that is intimacy. If all else can fade, that will always be there. Once a connection of such a sort is formed, the connection will always have potential, limitless potential. Is it possible to lose the ability to be intimate with yourself? Of course not. The seed is always there.

It is easy to be intimate with the stars at night for a moment. It is easy to be intimate with a song, or a film. But being intimate with another human being -- real, honest intimacy -- few in their life can ever experience it. Those that do feel a feeling more powerful than love, and that will always be there. The feeling of this that I had with her -- true intimacy, that I've never felt with another human being. A seed, inside, a connection formed, always with potential.

Intimacy is when you see that person clearly. You see their darkness and their light and you are completely open to it. The other person sees your darkness and your light, and they are completely open to it. When you are totally in the moment. Romance, you see, is fickle. Romance has ups and downs. Love is temperamental -- it depends on expectations and having all of these fulfilled. Intimacy is not based on expectations. To base a relationship on love is a very unstable thing to do -- love comes in and out on its own time. But intimacy, intimacy is true openness, and that always can be there like a comfy blanket or a warm fire. Intimacy understands.

Of course, we are not perfect people...sometimes intimacy can be shrouded up by argument, stress, neediness, apathy -- a whole host of things can shroud it up. Not permanently, but it can shroud it up in that moment. The real test of intimacy is accepting pain and hurt, accepting argument, accepting mistakes and the worst, accepting it all.



The opposite of intimacy is insecurity -- where intimacy is open and a complete, shared 50-50 bond with someone, insecurity on the other hand is imbalance. Intimacy is openness, insecurity is closed up, clenched up, tightly wound. Intimacy is balance, while insecurity -- by its very nature -- is imbalance. Intimacy is welcoming, whereas insecurity is defensive. The reason for this is simple -- intimacy is a risk. It is not something random, it only comes up naturally between people in very, very special circumstances. It is a state of complete openness. A state of being completely naked, and accepting the other person's openness and being completely naked. It is a trust, it is a bond, it is a flow of connection, a delicate dance of listening and sharing.

Insecurity, on the other hand, simply talks. Insecurity is what happens when the ego is scared. Insecurity is what makes people afraid of love, afraid of intimacy. Insecurity can always be relaxed and bested by intimacy, but it is not always easy. Insecurity can not only cover up intimacy like a cloud over the sun, but it can also fracture a person. The Buddha once said, "Doubt splits people apart." In this way, also internally, doubt and insecurity splits people apart. If intimacy is "going with it," insecurity is "going against it." Intimacy accepts and relaxes, insecurity rejects out of fear or stress. Insecurity is the guy that questions, "Am I in love? Have I fallen out of love? Have I fallen in love?" Intimacy doesn't have to ask these questions. By the very asking of these questions proves that the seeds of intimacy and love have been planted -- we are just scared to see where they go.

It is easy to see why -- intimacy is the ability to be open and accept being hurt, while insecurity begs us to run away and distance ourselves from the ability to be intimate. Insecurity thrives on impatience and apathy, while intimacy thrives on patience and caring. Intimacy accepts insecurity. Insecurity cannot accept itself.

I mentioned how we can see the difference between "friends" and "lovers" is prevalent in our culture and our mindsets -- why is this? True love is based on friendship, on intimacy. Is that not friendship? To illustrate this better, let's use an example -- seeds.

In true love, seeds are planted. They don't even need to happen more than once -- as long as they are planted, they can grow with proper nourishment. In "good love," we have the seed of the feeling of love, infatuation, sparks. We also have got to have the seed of some sort of attraction, some sort of sexual, physical desire. There also is the seed of compassion and caring and friendship, and then there is the seed of understanding. But the most important seed of all is intimacy. Without intimacy, true love cannot thrive. True love springs up from intimacy -- sexual, emotional, intellectual all spring up naturally when intimacy is nourished. And this is how I know I am in love with her -- never before (and perhaps never again) have I felt such intimacy, such closeness with a living person. It doesn't even need to happen more than a few times -- once it is there, it can only grow.

All of these seeds, if planted and experienced even once, can grow magnificently, always.

They are not always there, they are not always there at every moment. But the seed is there, for whenever it wants to spring up. All it takes is a little watering.



Many couples do not understand the seed of intimacy, however. They simply think love is the seed of love, or desire, or sparks. When love or desire or sparks are quieted, they leave or form a divorce. Others think the seed is simply friendship. But without true connection of souls, without the seed of intimacy, true love cannot shine. Luckily with her, if even it is obscured from time to time, if even now it is obscured -- I know I've felt and can feel this way with her, just with her.

If we define "lovers" as a couple that feels like romance is the only seed to their relationship, then that relationship will fail. Then "lovers" is not a good term to use. Saying "I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again will not last if it is based solely on romance, because romance comes and goes. Sometimes you feel loving and horny, other times not. This is natural. So if "lovers" means this love, then I want no part in being a "lover."

On the other hand, being simple friends can be a good part to a relationship, but it cannot be the only part. I am good friends with my roommate. I am good friends with some girls, some guys, a bunch of people. Why do I not feel such a deep, loving, blissful connection to them? Because the seed of true, full intimacy -- physical and emotional -- simply is not there. The seeds are not all there. With her, I have intimacy. To her, I am attracted. But there are many attractive people in the world -- why not sleep with them all? You guessed it -- no intimacy with those people. No seed. So being in a true bond with someone is more than friendship, more than being a lover.

She is more than my best friend. She is more than a lover. She is my intimate one. Feelings come and go at their own pace -- sometimes I feel excited, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel sexual, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel attracted, sometimes not. But intimacy -- that seed is like no other. Intimacy is a true, true bond. Intimacy in human beings can only be formed mutually -- both need to experience it for the bond to take hold in that moment. A bond of potential -- intimacy is being open. Sometimes it is here, sometimes it is not -- like all things, there is night with day -- but the very fact that the seed is there is proof -- proof of true love. Proof it can blossom. With proper cultivation, precious seeds can flower. For intimacy, I love her.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011

More Memories

So many memories. :) ♥























+ my one secret song for her, forever. <3

Memories!




Going over the memories, with my roommate, makes me so happy. So, so happy, nostalgic, sad and happy...these memories I'll hold forever. The thrill, the excitement, the closeness, the bonding, the love, even the boring days! In the end it's always been beautiful. :) The one I felt was my soulmate 100% -- which I still feel. These memories were only the beginning, my throat starts to choke when I realize it may not grow.... Hopefully there will be more memories, but I know in my heart, whatever happens, even if she does leave me in the dust, I'll love her till the day I die.

My Dreams

Gone.

All gone.

I would have waited. I would have stayed. I would have been without pressure. Free, like I tried so hard today to say. If only she could see me now...how returned I've been! I would have been loyal and surprising and funny and alive. I would have been me. And parts of myself she's never seen. Such fun together, it almost makes me cry. I would have been happy. With her, the only one I've ever, ever felt this way with. :)

But sometimes, people forget their love. And they feel like they must go. Such things, although so sad...I cannot control them, people are not my own. People forget the specialness. Up until yesterday, I had forgotten it. For a whole month. Then I saw her and it all came back. :) But sometimes people do not wait or stay.... I hope it is temporary but I cannot know.... I tried to explain, to apologize, to listen today, but she simply accused me.... All I wanted to do today was be myself and honest and patient and it would get better. But I guess I am here...once more, left standing, in the rain.

She's always in my heart.

Friday, March 25, 2011

What Time Is It?

I wonder -- why does the mind always seek to compare the present and the past/future? A true question. When I live here and now, I feel love and contentment and peace. When I do not take life as it is and live in la-la land, love turns to suffering and contentment flies away. I wonder why the mind does this? My twice-a-day meditations are perhaps helping to calm this mental tick. In all of life, in every moment, there is no problem. In yourself, in the world, between yourself and others -- there is no problem. But how hard it is to relax the mind and let it know this! True freedom is letting go. I admit that in my life, lately I have not been myself. Controlling motivated by fear and insecurity have permeated my actions of late. Communication is good, but control is not. Overdemanding, overbearing, and over doing it I have been -- out of character. This has driven her away...all I know is day by day I am changing, day by day I am returning, I can feel it as I return to music more, returning to myself -- all I know is I want her to be with me and to come back, day by day I am more myself, and it will all be okay. I am not running from myself anymore. I am not begging anymore. I stand amidst the roar and listen. I will not let it control me. I am on my own hero's journey.

As the Buddha said, "No one can save us but ourselves. No one can and no one may." He also said, "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate." He speaks of the mind. I am around those who love, but if resentment, apathy, or hateful thoughts come to me, I no longer let them move me. I am more still, day by day. There is no reason to look beyond my eyes for security, it is within myself. In this way, each day I try and learn to let go more, to return to myself. Letting go allows for love and peace -- if we grasp too tightly, we may just lose what we are holding on to!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Lightning Flashes

"Lightning flashes, sparks fly!
In one blink of the eye,
you have missed seeing."

-- ancient Zen saying

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Isolation

Mother I tried please believe me
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am

Existence, well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future
The present is well out of hand
The present is well out of hand

Monday, March 21, 2011

True Love



“You cannot love someone if you don't understand that person. This is simple. And if you love without understanding, you are making him or her suffer. That is not true love. Deprive the other person of space, of freedom, of freshness, and you can see that. And when the other person is not nourished by love, you will not be nourished by love.

When you practice love and kindness, you are the first person who profits from the practice. A man or a woman that is motivated by bringing joy and transforming suffering is beautiful, in himself, or herself. And of course the person he loves or she loves will be beautiful too, because she is water by my tree. So, when the other person does not look happy, we know that there is something wrong in our love. We should stop saying, “I love her so! I have done everything in my power in order to make her happy. Why isn't she happy? She doesn't want to be happy!” We should not blame like that. We should go back and look deeply into the nature of our love, to see whether we understand that person and her sufferings.

In the beginning, she is a flower. We think, without her, how could we survive? But now, she doesn't look like a flower. And we blame her! We blame her for not being our flower. But who is the person responsible for the flower? You. What have you been doing to your flower? Love has turned into hatred. And now you have a different kind of opinion. You think that separation is the best way. “I cannot live with her anymore.” Quite an opposite statement.

So love transforming into hatred is a very common thing. And therefore you should practice love everyday in order to keep love alive. And love, in the Buddhist context, is bringing joy and transforming suffering in the other person. How can you do that if you are not calm enough, if you do not look deeply into him or her in order to see what kind of need he has, what kind of suffering she has? Who does not need meditation?”

-- Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

Saturday, March 19, 2011

To Have No Fear



How does one have no fear? I suspect in the grand spectre of life, fear is not something that can be destroyed completely. Confronted, encountered, overcome? Yes. But it is not so easy as it sounds.

For the past month and more, fears have plagued me. Fears of loss, fears of change, fear of living now. Fear of accepting myself. Fear of not knowing all that is to be known. From fear, breeds insecurity, and from there, it becomes a very difficult path. Darkness becomes light and light is hidden in the background. Fear and doubt separates people -- it separates within, and it can separate without.

For the past day, I have tried to observe my fear. To feel it, to know it, but not to grap hold of it or push it away. The thought occurred to me last night, while watching a movie -- if I 'buy into' fear's game by overthinking and doubting, how will I overcome it? And if I suppress it, how will I overcome it then? Both breed more ground from fear.

One of fears first main tricks, I've realized, is to put itself onto someone or something else -- something external. For me, its main force lies in my best relationship. Even in typing, "best relationship," I can feel my fear come and try to bring doubt and darkness to that sentence. But I know, in my head and in the peaceful, pure parts of my heart, that it is true. I know that when fear does not grab hold, I love her. I know that even so much as seeing her, or talking to her, can ease my fear considerably. So by this logic, the fear certainly is coming from within.

It has occurred to me that fear is only enabled by living in the future, or living in the past. Living in the now, letting it unfold, seeing where it will go, plucks fear up at its roots. Indeed, expectations, fantasies, and 'lost in the future'-ness all breed fear. Fear that what you have in your head cannot become real. Fear that letting life surprise you will somehow be a shame. But fear, of all things, is one of the easiest to see as false -- its logic does not hold up, and its power diminishes under love and caring.



Sadness of the past, and failures and disappointments in myself bring about fear and doubt. The present moment never brings doubt to bear. But it is so hard to living in the present. When fears of past relationship failures, when projections of the past try to force themselves onto the reality now, when fears of loss of identity with tragedy come, it is not always easy to stay in the present moment. Inspiration bubbles up from seeing now as now. When you feel so drained, so emotional and physically tired all the time, when you feel that you have no more to contribute and that somehow there is something better beyond the present moment, I realize that fears such as these build on each other -- and in order to be confronted and overcome, they must not be enabled.

I once heard that 'where you fear, is where you must go.' If this is true, and what I fear is vulnerableness, faith (in myself, in others, and in life itself), and the future -- or doubts of myself to the point where it tries to undo my past out of fear -- then that is where I must be. That is where I must go. Fears of the past, all bottled up and ready to come out at the slightest flinch, fabricating themselves on top of themselves -- that is what is happening now.Though I try to manage it all inside, at least I have her. Even if I can feel resentment towards others and myself, even somehow including her (which is shocking to me), all due to fear, I can tell her. I can't tell others. With her, there is the possibility.

I wonder where this fear came from, how it grew, where its origins were. Since all of us can feel fear almost at least once every day, it is hard to tell where one began and where another ended. Indeed, in the month of February, there were moments where fear did start to show itself, even in small meaningless things. Perhaps the mistake that ensued was that the fear presented itself as control, and that is something that I may not have let go of. Control showed up with the promise that it could replicate these good feelings by not letting life unfold, by not "just seeing what will happen," but by actively making the future certain. The results of this emotion, presenting itself as fear, is happily not so worrisome, as my beloved is understanding of me, but the real problem lay in the intention -- since control and fear thrive on idealism, it is empowered by not seeing what it wants happen. Control and fear grows. In this way, the pure intention of control is futile. It will never win. By controlling, life loses its magic. By expecting, we miss life as it really is. By projecting, with possibilities, we miss the possibilities and moments available to us now. In short, these emotions that I grabbed hold of for comfort can destroy the person who grabs onto them, and it will keep you chasing something beyond yourself forever, never happy with what is.

Luckily I have at least seen this in myself. It could very well be that I, without a good friend and companion & meditation training, would not have realized this. Like so many others, control and fear would have destroyed my life, blotting out the loves and pleasures it promised so dearly. This I cannot let happen.

I see my fears now. More will unfold in the future. I do not understand them completely, I do not know where each fear starts from and where the next begins. But I do know this -- within myself, and together with her help, I will not allow fear and uncertainty to cloud my life. It has before and to let it happen again would be a very big folly. To see life as it is, to know projections and idealisms in your head & to not let them faze you -- in this way, fears and uncertainty will lose their power. They lose their power to the only thing that they can't handle -- the present moment, as it is, the world, in all its beauty, as it is, with no expectation, no gold-standard for the world to live up to. The world is its own gold-standard. When fear and uncertainty see this, suddenly their power goes up in smoke.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

All I Know

All I know is she makes me happy. She makes me calm, relaxed. I can be myself with her. I feel it all with her. All I know is that it is unexplainable, and that trying to explain it is no use at all. All I know is I like it. And all I know is I've never felt this way, good and bad, for another person before. All I know is I want her to stay, and I want to stay. That's all I know.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Saturday, March 12, 2011

In the Feeling, in the Moment

"Two come about because of One,
but don't cling to the One either!
So long as the mind does not stir,
the ten thousand things stay blameless;
no blame, no phenomena,
no stirring, no mind.

The viewer disappears along with the scene,
the scene follows the viewer into oblivion,
for scene becomes scene only through the viewer,
viewer becomes viewer because of the scene."


-- Seng-ts'an, Zen Master, 600 A.D.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm hers

I'm hers...and she knows it. :D I'm all hers. And those eyes, and all of her...she makes me melt.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Indeed, All We Have Is Now, and all Herein

"Of whom and of what indeed can I say: "I know that!" This heart within me I can feel, and I judge that it exists. This world I can touch, and I likewise judge that it exists. There ends all my knowledge, and the rest is construction. For if I try to seize this self of which I feel sure, if I try to define and to summarize it, it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers. I can sketch one by one all the aspects it is able to assume, all those likewise that have been attributed to it, this upbringing, this origin, this ardor or these silences, this nobility or this vileness. But aspects cannot be added up. This very heart which is mine will forever remain indefinable to me." -- Albert Camus

Love in the present moment. True being is being here. This I now see clearly, and all seems much relieved and infinitely more beautiful. As said in the great movie "Groundhog Day," Bob turns to his love Rita and asks in that great moment, the Tere hommikust!, "Is there anything I can do for you...today?" To love her, and love life, in the present moment -- that is all I, or anything, can ask of life. And it is all I'll ever need.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Fear



I truly see the solution to the problem -- that there was no problem. In the case of love, what I had was indeed what Alan Watts describes -- fear of love! How silly! It is no use that way, to be afraid. To let go, to go with it, to be those feelings and let it all in, to be taken, vulnerability -- that is true life and true love.