Seeds

My heart floats along, on a stream of calm water now...what is this feeling I feel in this moment? After some remembering and feeling, I remember what this feeling is called -- this feeling is called intimacy. Intimacy, with myself. Intimacy, with her.

Love. Do people know what it is? We use the word so easily. The distinction between "friends" and "lovers" splits apart our minds like cement blocks under a hammer and a pick. To be in love. When we feel rapture, we say that is love. When we feel sexual, we say that is love. When we feel infatuation, we say that is love. When we feel romance, we say it is love. Which is right?

Ask anyone in one of those states and they will tell you -- yes yes and yes, it is genuine. But what about moments later, after the rapture has faded? After the sexuality has faded naturally? After infatuation has faded? After romance has relaxed? All of these things spring up and go back down naturally. But what about after, do we "fall out of love" when they aren't there in that moment?

All of this is perhaps from the wrong point of view. But if love isn't a line, and all of these things spring up and fade away, what is love? What is the bedrock? What is the heart and soul of good love, beyond simple attraction?

Intimacy. That feeling, the feeling of intimacy, of perfect connection, perfect openness, perfect understanding -- that is intimacy. If all else can fade, that will always be there. Once a connection of such a sort is formed, the connection will always have potential, limitless potential. Is it possible to lose the ability to be intimate with yourself? Of course not. The seed is always there.

It is easy to be intimate with the stars at night for a moment. It is easy to be intimate with a song, or a film. But being intimate with another human being -- real, honest intimacy -- few in their life can ever experience it. Those that do feel a feeling more powerful than love, and that will always be there. The feeling of this that I had with her -- true intimacy, that I've never felt with another human being. A seed, inside, a connection formed, always with potential.

Intimacy is when you see that person clearly. You see their darkness and their light and you are completely open to it. The other person sees your darkness and your light, and they are completely open to it. When you are totally in the moment. Romance, you see, is fickle. Romance has ups and downs. Love is temperamental -- it depends on expectations and having all of these fulfilled. Intimacy is not based on expectations. To base a relationship on love is a very unstable thing to do -- love comes in and out on its own time. But intimacy, intimacy is true openness, and that always can be there like a comfy blanket or a warm fire. Intimacy understands.

Of course, we are not perfect people...sometimes intimacy can be shrouded up by argument, stress, neediness, apathy -- a whole host of things can shroud it up. Not permanently, but it can shroud it up in that moment. The real test of intimacy is accepting pain and hurt, accepting argument, accepting mistakes and the worst, accepting it all.



The opposite of intimacy is insecurity -- where intimacy is open and a complete, shared 50-50 bond with someone, insecurity on the other hand is imbalance. Intimacy is openness, insecurity is closed up, clenched up, tightly wound. Intimacy is balance, while insecurity -- by its very nature -- is imbalance. Intimacy is welcoming, whereas insecurity is defensive. The reason for this is simple -- intimacy is a risk. It is not something random, it only comes up naturally between people in very, very special circumstances. It is a state of complete openness. A state of being completely naked, and accepting the other person's openness and being completely naked. It is a trust, it is a bond, it is a flow of connection, a delicate dance of listening and sharing.

Insecurity, on the other hand, simply talks. Insecurity is what happens when the ego is scared. Insecurity is what makes people afraid of love, afraid of intimacy. Insecurity can always be relaxed and bested by intimacy, but it is not always easy. Insecurity can not only cover up intimacy like a cloud over the sun, but it can also fracture a person. The Buddha once said, "Doubt splits people apart." In this way, also internally, doubt and insecurity splits people apart. If intimacy is "going with it," insecurity is "going against it." Intimacy accepts and relaxes, insecurity rejects out of fear or stress. Insecurity is the guy that questions, "Am I in love? Have I fallen out of love? Have I fallen in love?" Intimacy doesn't have to ask these questions. By the very asking of these questions proves that the seeds of intimacy and love have been planted -- we are just scared to see where they go.

It is easy to see why -- intimacy is the ability to be open and accept being hurt, while insecurity begs us to run away and distance ourselves from the ability to be intimate. Insecurity thrives on impatience and apathy, while intimacy thrives on patience and caring. Intimacy accepts insecurity. Insecurity cannot accept itself.

I mentioned how we can see the difference between "friends" and "lovers" is prevalent in our culture and our mindsets -- why is this? True love is based on friendship, on intimacy. Is that not friendship? To illustrate this better, let's use an example -- seeds.

In true love, seeds are planted. They don't even need to happen more than once -- as long as they are planted, they can grow with proper nourishment. In "good love," we have the seed of the feeling of love, infatuation, sparks. We also have got to have the seed of some sort of attraction, some sort of sexual, physical desire. There also is the seed of compassion and caring and friendship, and then there is the seed of understanding. But the most important seed of all is intimacy. Without intimacy, true love cannot thrive. True love springs up from intimacy -- sexual, emotional, intellectual all spring up naturally when intimacy is nourished. And this is how I know I am in love with her -- never before (and perhaps never again) have I felt such intimacy, such closeness with a living person. It doesn't even need to happen more than a few times -- once it is there, it can only grow.

All of these seeds, if planted and experienced even once, can grow magnificently, always.

They are not always there, they are not always there at every moment. But the seed is there, for whenever it wants to spring up. All it takes is a little watering.



Many couples do not understand the seed of intimacy, however. They simply think love is the seed of love, or desire, or sparks. When love or desire or sparks are quieted, they leave or form a divorce. Others think the seed is simply friendship. But without true connection of souls, without the seed of intimacy, true love cannot shine. Luckily with her, if even it is obscured from time to time, if even now it is obscured -- I know I've felt and can feel this way with her, just with her.

If we define "lovers" as a couple that feels like romance is the only seed to their relationship, then that relationship will fail. Then "lovers" is not a good term to use. Saying "I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again will not last if it is based solely on romance, because romance comes and goes. Sometimes you feel loving and horny, other times not. This is natural. So if "lovers" means this love, then I want no part in being a "lover."

On the other hand, being simple friends can be a good part to a relationship, but it cannot be the only part. I am good friends with my roommate. I am good friends with some girls, some guys, a bunch of people. Why do I not feel such a deep, loving, blissful connection to them? Because the seed of true, full intimacy -- physical and emotional -- simply is not there. The seeds are not all there. With her, I have intimacy. To her, I am attracted. But there are many attractive people in the world -- why not sleep with them all? You guessed it -- no intimacy with those people. No seed. So being in a true bond with someone is more than friendship, more than being a lover.

She is more than my best friend. She is more than a lover. She is my intimate one. Feelings come and go at their own pace -- sometimes I feel excited, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel sexual, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel attracted, sometimes not. But intimacy -- that seed is like no other. Intimacy is a true, true bond. Intimacy in human beings can only be formed mutually -- both need to experience it for the bond to take hold in that moment. A bond of potential -- intimacy is being open. Sometimes it is here, sometimes it is not -- like all things, there is night with day -- but the very fact that the seed is there is proof -- proof of true love. Proof it can blossom. With proper cultivation, precious seeds can flower. For intimacy, I love her.