Biggest Fears

There is this old quote that says that in your closest relationships, your biggest fears come out. As you can imagine, they can scare the bejeezus out of anybody, because they are the most innermost fears, suppressed for so long. Plus, you don't want to scare or hurt the other person. Now, I can't quite remember who said that quote, but I think whoever said it knew it too well -- I think he was right.

Biggest fears. We all have them, the ones deep down. The ones where they would ask you what your biggest fear was, and you would say "spiders" or something to avoid the question. But you knew, deep down, the real answer. The real fear, and it scared you so stiff you couldn't even mention it. And we all have them, the biggest fears. And mine are coming out.

I don't want to lose her. I can't. I feel like I need her as much as I need water or air, even just a word from her. I know that is my biggest fear. Of loss. It kills me to lose people, lose friends, lose the things closest to me.... Even worse is to think that I could be the cause of it, I could cause her to leave. And worst would be hurting who I love the most.

A big fear of mine has always been commitment, attachment. And now, thinking about it, maybe it hasn't always been this way, but certainly for the last 5 years it has. And I think the reason is because I'm so afraid of allowing closeness, being completely taken in by someone, because the last time I did, all those years ago, when I lost everything and everyone the pain was so strong. I was just a kid. But those feelings stick with you. And it's been hard to be open like that ever since.

But it's happened. And it's happened in the biggest way. I'm totally "gone" for her, each day I feel closer and more intimate. The fear is being overtaken by love. Sometimes I get scared. In the back of my head, I need her so much, that the thought of her not being there is so hard to even imagine. Will she leave me? Will I mess up? I hope not, but I know it is a fear of mine.

She is the closest I've ever been to a person, to anything, anytime, anywhere. How it is possible, I don't know. I don't know how it works. But I know in my heart that it just does. I can't resist how I feel.


And in my very being, there has always been this huge fear of judgement. Not just judgement of things or ideas or anything, but of me. I can take someone correcting me, or helping me, or informing me -- even persuading me that my views are wrong. I can take that, because I want to learn. But if my innermost feelings and private thoughts are exposed, and I am judged by them, that pain is so much, it is beyond describing. It is too much. To ever meet someone who can see you for who you are and not judge you, is the best you can ever find. Her. :)

And I don't want to waste my potential as a person. I know that's a fear. And it comes out sometimes, in me having a hard time choosing my future, because I've been told all my life by my teachers and peers that I have some kind of unique gift or talent. They could never quite say what it was, they all had their own opinions. But they always would somehow sneak it in, that I had some kind of special potential to change things for the better. And I feel like that too. But I don't want to mess it up, and sometimes that scares me. I don't want to let everyone down.

But the real fear, out of all of this, is that even if all these things happen, the worst of the worst happens, I don't want to lose her. She is everything to me. My heart is in sync with her heart...when she is happy, I am happy, when she is sad, I am sad. We're so close, I feel like this is a wonderful new adventure. But sometimes I still get scared, and it comes out in my feelings or sometimes in my words. I do mess up sometimes. I just feel like there is something so, so special here. Not like anything else I've ever felt. And losing her would be losing myself.

I think of the future sometimes. I try to fit it in, to somehow see her. And I think of ways. I think I can and I think I will. Just the thought makes me excited! :) I even want to leave right now, abandon everything to be with her. But I wonder if I could even do that...abandon my family and my college future. So perhaps I will just stay for the moment. :D But with her, I feel like my fears...they would come out, the deepest ones, they already do... but I feel like I could work past them with her. I feel like things would be okay. And I would have the most important thing to me in my life. Her. :)

Miss You Always

"makes me think that i should hold you everyday
miss you always
miss you always..."

Closest

Never have I felt this close to someone....

Lost Someone

"I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time?"

I never thought I would be like this. I never thought it would turn out like this. Full trust, and I can't help but feel a little bit betrayed. I try to understand how. I promised I would be there, I promised and I was. There were bad days but I stayed. I never thought I would be the one standing alone.

Dreams

Inspired by the fantastical and classic 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode, "The Inner Light," something suddenly occurred to me, and I'd like to get this written down before I forget it.

We live in dreams. Every night, we go to sleep, and we dream. We dream, and dream, and we dream some more. While in the dream, that is our full reality. And while so much inspiration comes from dreams, I've realized something, something that we always miss -- perhaps it is the greatest of all the lessons to be gained from dreaming.

This lesson is of impermanence.

Every dream we ever have, no matter how good or how bad they are, has to end. Every dream we have ever dreamt, all the wonderful landscapes, all the beautiful fantasies, and the idyllic wonders and monstrous horrors -- they all end. Those moments, of which we are so consumed in our dream, all end. The dream doesn't go on forever. Sometimes it goes to a different dream, sometimes it ends and you wake up. And sometimes it ends and you enter dreamless sleep, with no dreams at all. But there is something to be gained from this, something lovely and positive.

That great lesson is that there is only now. When we finish dreaming, usually we don't think of what could have been, usually we think of what was. Those important moments of passion or fear, or a curious intertwining of both, that overwhelm and fully consume us in that present moment. When we dream we are fully there.



Like those tears in rain, this is how our lives are. I'd say we 'should' view our lives like this, since many of us don't, but that would be the wrong tone. All the 'should be' thoughts in our heads are useless. They are painful and lead nowhere, and it is better to not follow them. And you have your own mind, you do not need me to tell you what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' think. You can think for yourself. You simply don't have to buy into the 'should be' game, you always have a choice. So instead I'll say that the beauty of life is that it always reminds us of the temporary-ness of our world and our life. But we'll only hear it if we listen carefully and calm our foggy little heads.

The dream is the greatest of all the human experiences perhaps. After all, it is the ultimate creativity. And it is the ultimate lesson, I have finally realized. Live your life like it is a dream. The circumstances around you are weird and wiggly and absurd, you are from a wondrous and lively world. But in this world you can achieve peace the moment you realize your view of the world is everything.

Without quoting the name of this blog again like a broken cliché, poetically I will put it in a different way.

The actual problems we have in our life, aren't really problems. Why? Every problem in human existence, basically, is trying to be somewhere you aren't. Trying to be with a supermodel, trying to be rich and famous, trying to be happy when you think you aren't; the list is endless. But none of those things will bring you happiness, only the endless cycle of chasing it.

You know -- and I mean this sincerely to anyone reading this -- it is always within your power to live now. That power is no one else's. You and only you have the power to create meaning in your life in this moment.

And with that and the lasting truth of the 'Inner Light,' I'll end this post with the quote to sum it all up:

Seize the time, Meribor. Live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again.

: )

Summer Left Me

I woke up and looked out my window this morning, and a beautiful snowfall had fallen. I stood for just a moment, admiring the whiteness of all the soft snowflakes. My roommate said it made him angry, it wasn't supposed to be this cold in November yet. But I smiled, because it made me very happy. The cold hurts, but I love the winter.

I thought summer had left me in the same way happiness leaves you. It's hard to talk about, especially on a blog. I thought the days of real, genuine, intimate connections were simply behind me. I'd had them with friends, family, and so on but that was in my childhood for the most part. I never thought that while summer would leave me, winter would bring the most intimate of all connections.



I can't really describe how much it means to me. This connection, it brings me so much joy. And love. Big word to use there, but I find myself thinking it more and more simply because that's how I feel. I feel like not even words can describe this sensation. After years of thinking about it, I've found it!

But it does make me sad sometimes. Well, not sad, just very longing. I can't help but think of the future and where that will go. But I remember the title of this blog, and I feel peaceful once again. Part of the reason I'm so abstract now, is just that for others close to me reading this blog, I'm expressing myself because I have to and it's overwhelming me, not because I want questions. This is my own private shelter almost. But even I can't help to talk about it.

How two people can be worlds away but right next to each other...it reminds me of that Avatar movie, except this feels so much more real. Almost unbelievable. I feel so close.

But the thing I most want to say is that I'm happy. Even if things get me down, I'm happy about this. I'm blissful even! And it's all because of you, this connection. I'd say thanks, but its something so shared I know its that way for both.

I look outside and I see the new fallen snow. The way it covers everything with its beauty. And I feel happy.

There Is No Going Back

"He'd been half expecting, all these weeks, that reaching the place where he'd grown up would mean something: that he'd find some kind of safety there. Some kind of answers. As though if he could only lie down for a nap in his own bed, he'd wake up to find that the nightmare he'd lived -- losing his family, his youth, his faith -- had been only a hypnoid fantasy sparked by teenage hormones and an undigested dinner. Is anything worse than finally reaching home, and finding that you're still lost?"

-- excerpt from "Traitor" by Matthew Stover

As if by whisk of the wind, my memories float back to me... of days long past and people forever changed. It is often in times of these I retreat with the power of these reveries. But time is not always so kind to the mind, and memories seem to forever remind of the days lost in the breeze.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in the emotional company of Dogen and Buddha, or at least it feels that way. As a child who moved around with almost every passing year, change became the truth of the matter. And even though I knew that nothing would ever last, because of course nothing ever does, sometimes I couldn't really help but feel as though it should.

I know that's wrong. Of course I do now. The past few years couldn't have made it any clearer.

The point is that I just feel that I won't have a home, ever, like those around me seem to have. And before that sounds too depressing, let me explain. Everyone seems to identify with where they live, their home, like an intimate love or something so close to them that nothing could ever seem to rip it away. I mean, I relate, I felt this way once, powerfully. But I have left every specific home a stranger, only to become a foreigner of another land. Why is this, I would ask myself?

The truth is that you can never go back.

You can never go back to the way it once was. You've changed. So much has changed. An acorn might enjoy becoming a tree, but when it finally does become one, no amount of longing can return it back to the acorn it once was. I go through the halls of my old house, and new paint has dried the walls. I look around my room a stranger. Time has moved along. Oh, it is only seasonal.....

But do you know what I do not feel a stranger at? The human face. The moment I'm in. When I take a breath, see a smile or tear, feel the breeze, I don't feel like a stranger. 'Cause I'm letting it happen, I'm going along with the season. I'm swimming with the current. It really is all only seasonal....

What seems so sad and tragic ends up being amazingly the opposite however. I have discovered -- that's the gift of nature. If you could go back, if you could get everything you wanted, if you could live forever, you would be more bored than a wooden stump. Where is the fun in that? Life is constant change, constant action, constant significance. Most of us just miss it. We've either got our eyes on the rearview mirror or the distance ahead. But there, we miss it. It is like a joke only told once, that you miss. That is every moment.

Do you know what is lovely? People. The Earth. My cat. The changing of the seasons. The flash of a car. The breath of a moment, the flutter of wind, the quickening of a heart. That is lovely. That is more beautiful than I can ever describe. That's my home. I don't need a house. I'd like one, but that won't just be my home. Everything is my home. Everywhere I am is my home.

And the people? Oh my. Have you not seen them, talked to them, felt them there? It is so sad so many people are so miserable, and I know why they are miserable. It's the same reason I was miserable, and still occasionally am. Longing. For the past, the future, whatever. Well, all we have is now. Feel that, and you have no further problems. : )

I'm in love right now. In love, with one out there, and the one all around. The words escape my mind when the feeling of the world overwhelms me. And the one all around is the Universe. Do I dislike sometimes? Yeah. Does it get me down, let me down, send me into sadness? Yeah. But I love it anyway. Because it's me. And what about the other? Simply, words aren't enough! It reminds me of the preciousness of my existence. How precious! I cherish more now everything I live, and I can't thank enough.

Life is so fleeting. None of us really know where we are going. None of us really know where we've been. But it is within each of our power to know where we are. That is the gift, that is the discovery. It is the ultimate trick of the Universe! So many of us have fallen for it. But there are a few, like one I met not so long ago, that give me hope -- they've gotten the joke, and though they laugh and cry, this is the greatest part of their being. : )