Biggest Fears

There is this old quote that says that in your closest relationships, your biggest fears come out. As you can imagine, they can scare the bejeezus out of anybody, because they are the most innermost fears, suppressed for so long. Plus, you don't want to scare or hurt the other person. Now, I can't quite remember who said that quote, but I think whoever said it knew it too well -- I think he was right.

Biggest fears. We all have them, the ones deep down. The ones where they would ask you what your biggest fear was, and you would say "spiders" or something to avoid the question. But you knew, deep down, the real answer. The real fear, and it scared you so stiff you couldn't even mention it. And we all have them, the biggest fears. And mine are coming out.

I don't want to lose her. I can't. I feel like I need her as much as I need water or air, even just a word from her. I know that is my biggest fear. Of loss. It kills me to lose people, lose friends, lose the things closest to me.... Even worse is to think that I could be the cause of it, I could cause her to leave. And worst would be hurting who I love the most.

A big fear of mine has always been commitment, attachment. And now, thinking about it, maybe it hasn't always been this way, but certainly for the last 5 years it has. And I think the reason is because I'm so afraid of allowing closeness, being completely taken in by someone, because the last time I did, all those years ago, when I lost everything and everyone the pain was so strong. I was just a kid. But those feelings stick with you. And it's been hard to be open like that ever since.

But it's happened. And it's happened in the biggest way. I'm totally "gone" for her, each day I feel closer and more intimate. The fear is being overtaken by love. Sometimes I get scared. In the back of my head, I need her so much, that the thought of her not being there is so hard to even imagine. Will she leave me? Will I mess up? I hope not, but I know it is a fear of mine.

She is the closest I've ever been to a person, to anything, anytime, anywhere. How it is possible, I don't know. I don't know how it works. But I know in my heart that it just does. I can't resist how I feel.


And in my very being, there has always been this huge fear of judgement. Not just judgement of things or ideas or anything, but of me. I can take someone correcting me, or helping me, or informing me -- even persuading me that my views are wrong. I can take that, because I want to learn. But if my innermost feelings and private thoughts are exposed, and I am judged by them, that pain is so much, it is beyond describing. It is too much. To ever meet someone who can see you for who you are and not judge you, is the best you can ever find. Her. :)

And I don't want to waste my potential as a person. I know that's a fear. And it comes out sometimes, in me having a hard time choosing my future, because I've been told all my life by my teachers and peers that I have some kind of unique gift or talent. They could never quite say what it was, they all had their own opinions. But they always would somehow sneak it in, that I had some kind of special potential to change things for the better. And I feel like that too. But I don't want to mess it up, and sometimes that scares me. I don't want to let everyone down.

But the real fear, out of all of this, is that even if all these things happen, the worst of the worst happens, I don't want to lose her. She is everything to me. My heart is in sync with her heart...when she is happy, I am happy, when she is sad, I am sad. We're so close, I feel like this is a wonderful new adventure. But sometimes I still get scared, and it comes out in my feelings or sometimes in my words. I do mess up sometimes. I just feel like there is something so, so special here. Not like anything else I've ever felt. And losing her would be losing myself.

I think of the future sometimes. I try to fit it in, to somehow see her. And I think of ways. I think I can and I think I will. Just the thought makes me excited! :) I even want to leave right now, abandon everything to be with her. But I wonder if I could even do that...abandon my family and my college future. So perhaps I will just stay for the moment. :D But with her, I feel like my fears...they would come out, the deepest ones, they already do... but I feel like I could work past them with her. I feel like things would be okay. And I would have the most important thing to me in my life. Her. :)