New tumblr!

The time is here! I've finally gotten a new tumblr. It is here: threnody

Shadows

How is it, Shadows! that I knew ye not?

How came ye muffled in so hush a mask?

Was it a silent deep-disguisèd plot

To steal away, and leave without a task

My idle days? Ripe was the drowsy hour;

The blissful cloud of summer-indolence

Benumb’d my eyes; my pulse grew less and less;

Pain had no sting, and pleasure’s wreath no flower:

O, why did ye not melt, and leave my sense

Unhaunted quite of all but—nothingness?

John Keats

Youth

It takes a long time to become young.

Pablo Picasso

Insight

Well, we're grasping for two things at once. Partly for communion with others — that's the deepest instinct in us. And partly, we're seeking security. By constant communion with others we hope we shall be able to accept the horrible fact of our total solitude. We're always reaching out for new projects, new structure, new systems in order to abolish — partly or wholly — our insight into our loneliness. If it weren't so, religious systems would never arise.

To the fanatical believer physical and spiritual suffering is beside the point, compared with salvation. That is why, to him, everything happening around him is irrelevant, a mirror-image, a mere will-o'-the-wisp. ... I can really never get shot of them, the fanatics. Whether they appear as religious fanatics or vegetarian fanatics makes no odds. They're catastrophic people. These types whose whole cast of mind as it were looks beyond mere human beings toward some unknown goal. The terrible thing is the great power they often wield over their fellow human beings. Apart from the fact that I believe they suffer like the very devil, I've no sympathy for them.

No one is safe from religious ideas and confessional phenomena. Neither you nor I. We can fall victim to them when we least expect it. It's like Mao flu, or being struck by lightning. You're utterly helpless. Exposed. As I see it today, any relapse is utterly out of the question. But I can't say it's out of the question tomorrow.

The film (Winter Light) is based on something I'd actually experienced. Something a clergyman up in Dalarna told me: the story of the suicide, the fisherman Persson. One day the clergyman had tried to talk to him; the next, Persson had hanged himself. For the clergyman it was a personal catastrophe.

People think there's a solution... If everything is distributed in the proper quarters, put into the right pigeonholes, everything will be fine. But I'm not so sure. ... Nothing, absolutely nothing at all has emerged out of all these ideas of faith and scepticism, all these convulsions, these puffings and blowings. For many of my fellow human beings on the other hand, I'm aware that these problems still exist — and exist as a terrible reality. I hope this generation will be the last to live under the scourge of religious anxiety.

Ingmar Bergman

Persona

I understand, all right. The hopeless dream of being - not seeming, but being. At every waking moment, alert. The gulf between what you are with others and what you are alone. The vertigo and the constant hunger to be exposed, to be seen through, perhaps even wiped out. Every inflection and every gesture a lie, every smile a grimace. Suicide? No, too vulgar. But you can refuse to move, refuse to talk, so that you don't have to lie. You can shut yourself in. Then you needn't play any parts or make wrong gestures. Or so you thought. But reality is diabolical. Your hiding place isn't watertight. Life trickles in from the outside, and you're forced to react. No one asks if it is true or false, if you're genuine or just a sham. Such things matter only in the theatre, and hardly there either. I understand why you don't speak, why you don't move, why you've created a part for yourself out of apathy. I understand. I admire. You should go on with this part until it is played out, until it loses interest for you. Then you can leave it, just as you've left your other parts one by one.

Ingmar Bergman, Persona

Under Dogen's Teachings

Under Dogen's teachings, I meditate. I sit under the bright moon and all that I have done. And nothing but a mere breath has left me. But perhaps...perhaps I feel that what is to leave me is so much more. What is to leave me is everything.

If only, if only.

Cows

One day the Buddha was sitting in the wood with thirty or forty monks. They had an excellent lunch and they were enjoying the company of each other. There was a farmer passing by and the farmer was very unhappy. He asked the Buddha and the monks whether they had seen his cows passing by. The Buddha said they had not seen any cows passing by.

The farmer said, "Monks, I'm so unhappy. I have twelve cows and I don't know why they all ran away. I have also a few acres of a sesame seed plantation and the insects have eaten up everything. I suffer so much I think I am going to kill myself."

The Buddha said, "My friend, we have not seen any cows passing by here. You might like to look for them in the other direction."

So the farmer thanked him and ran away, and the Buddha turned to his monks and said, "My dear friends, you are the happiest people in the world. You don't have any cows to lose. If you have too many cows to take care of, you will be very busy.

"That is why, in order to be happy, you have to learn the art of cow releasing (laughter). You release the cows one by one. In the beginning you thought that those cows were essential to your happiness, and you tried to get more and more cows.But now you realize that cows are not really conditions for your happiness; they constitute an obstacle for your happiness. That is why you are determined to release your cows."

Chattering finch and water-fly
Are not merrier than I;
Here among the flowers I lie
Laughing everlastingly.
No: I may not tell the best;
Surely, friends, I might have guessed
Death was but the good King's jest,
It was hid so carefully.

The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heav’n out of Hell,

a Hell of Heav’n

"We carry our past with us, to wit, the primitive and inferior man with his desires and emotions, and it is only with an enormous effort that we can detach ourselves from this burden. If it comes to a neurosis, we invariably have to deal with a considerably intensified shadow. And if such a person wants to be cured it is necessary to find a way in which his conscious personality and his shadow can live together."

Life

The life of [a] man is a dubious experiment. It is a tremendous phenomenon only in numerical terms. Individually, it is so fleeting, so insufficient, that it is literally a miracle that anything can exist and develop at all.

Life has always seemed to me like a plant that lives on its rhizome. Its true life is invisible, hidden in the rhizome. The part that appears above ground lasts only a single summer. Then it withers away -- an ephemeral apparition. When we think of the unending growth and decay of life and civilizations, we cannot escape the impression of absolute nullity. Yet I have never lost a sense of something that lives and endures underneath the eternal flux. What we see is the blossom, which passes. The rhizome remains.

In the end the only events in my life worth telling are those when the imperishable world irrupted into this transitory one. All other memories of travels, people, and my surroundings have paled beside these interior happenings. Many people have participated in the story of our times and written about it; if the reader wants an account of that, let him turn to them or get somebody to tell it to him. Recollection of the outward events of my life has largely faded or disappeared. But my encounters with the "other" reality, my bouts with the unconscious, are indelibly engraved upon my memory. In that realm there has always been wealth in abundance, and everything else has lost importance by comparison.

-- Carl Jung, "Memories, Dreams, Reflections"

Just Standing

Once there were three people who took a walk in the country. They happened to see a man standing on a hill. One of them said, "I guess he is standing on a hill to search for lost cattle."

"No," the second said, "I think he is trying to find a friend who has wandered off somewhere."

Whereas the third said,"No, he is simply enjoying the summer breeze."

As there was no definite conclusion, they went up the hill and asked him,"Are you searching for strayed cattle?"

"No," he replied.

"Are you looking for your friend?"

"No," again.

"Are you enjoying the cool breeze?"

"No," yet again.

"Then why are you standing on the hill?"

"I am just standing" was the answer.

Dima

The light's inside my cave
I'm tired of my cave

Watching the reel as it comes to a close
Brutally taking its time
People who change for no reason at all
Happening all of the time
Can I go on with this train of events?
Disturbing and purging my mind
Back out of my duties, when all's said and done
I know that I'll lose every time.

Love is only real

When shared!

Chop wood, carry water

"Before Enlightenment chop wood, carry water.
After Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."

Loss

It all hurts so very, very much.

Recovering.

The Veil

"There's always this veil. That's why we like a striptease. Because, there's an implication, that you should never give the show completely away. There's always got to be a little bit of a veil left. There always is. Because even if you find the striptease artist gets completely naked, there's really something hidden. What's the motivation? What sort of a person is she? Would I really like to embrace her? Or would she have bad breath? [laughter]

You know? Or something. You never really know. You never really get to the bottom. That's why all men poets say that women are basically mysterious. And they ought to be! So are men, basically, mysterious. From women's point of view. Although they play that they're not. See, this is the way that it goes: men are supposed to be very open and they say, “Well,” of a certain situation, “this is the way it is, after all, it's perfectly rational, it's a matter of practical affairs.” And women say, “Well, I'm not as articulate as you are, but I know there's something you've left out but I can't explain it.”

And by this means, everything is kept going. [laughter]"

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt." -- Thomas Merton

Ryōkan

"I watch people in the world
Throw away their lives lusting after things,
Never able to satisfy their desires,
Falling into deeper despair
And torturing themselves.
Even if they get what they want
How long will they be able to enjoy it?
For one heavenly pleasure
They suffer ten torments of hell,
Binding themselves more firmly to the grindstone.
Such people are like monkeys
Frantically grasping for the moon in the water
And then falling into a whirlpool.
How endlessly those caught up in the floating world suffer.
Despite myself, I fret over them all night
And cannot staunch my flow of tears."

---

"Like the little stream
Making its way
Through the mossy crevices
I, too, quietly
Turn clear and transparent."

---

"Where beauty is, then there is ugliness;
where right is, also there is wrong.
Knowledge and ignorance are interdependent;
delusion and enlightenment condition each other.
Since olden times it has been so.
How could it be otherwise now?
Wanting to get rid of one and grab the other
is merely realizing a scene of stupidity.
Even if you speak of the wonder of it all,
how do you deal with each thing changing?"

---

"Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it."

+

Sensitivity

For this moment, I feel the most sensitivity I have felt in over a month. I truly cherish being here this moment, and I truly cherish her, my precious flower of Estonia. Melancholy, sensitivity, and cherishing. Nothing in feeling has been lost, it is all here. It is true the fire of love can be re-ignited, with an open and sensitive heart, into her mystery....

Seeds

My heart floats along, on a stream of calm water now...what is this feeling I feel in this moment? After some remembering and feeling, I remember what this feeling is called -- this feeling is called intimacy. Intimacy, with myself. Intimacy, with her.

Love. Do people know what it is? We use the word so easily. The distinction between "friends" and "lovers" splits apart our minds like cement blocks under a hammer and a pick. To be in love. When we feel rapture, we say that is love. When we feel sexual, we say that is love. When we feel infatuation, we say that is love. When we feel romance, we say it is love. Which is right?

Ask anyone in one of those states and they will tell you -- yes yes and yes, it is genuine. But what about moments later, after the rapture has faded? After the sexuality has faded naturally? After infatuation has faded? After romance has relaxed? All of these things spring up and go back down naturally. But what about after, do we "fall out of love" when they aren't there in that moment?

All of this is perhaps from the wrong point of view. But if love isn't a line, and all of these things spring up and fade away, what is love? What is the bedrock? What is the heart and soul of good love, beyond simple attraction?

Intimacy. That feeling, the feeling of intimacy, of perfect connection, perfect openness, perfect understanding -- that is intimacy. If all else can fade, that will always be there. Once a connection of such a sort is formed, the connection will always have potential, limitless potential. Is it possible to lose the ability to be intimate with yourself? Of course not. The seed is always there.

It is easy to be intimate with the stars at night for a moment. It is easy to be intimate with a song, or a film. But being intimate with another human being -- real, honest intimacy -- few in their life can ever experience it. Those that do feel a feeling more powerful than love, and that will always be there. The feeling of this that I had with her -- true intimacy, that I've never felt with another human being. A seed, inside, a connection formed, always with potential.

Intimacy is when you see that person clearly. You see their darkness and their light and you are completely open to it. The other person sees your darkness and your light, and they are completely open to it. When you are totally in the moment. Romance, you see, is fickle. Romance has ups and downs. Love is temperamental -- it depends on expectations and having all of these fulfilled. Intimacy is not based on expectations. To base a relationship on love is a very unstable thing to do -- love comes in and out on its own time. But intimacy, intimacy is true openness, and that always can be there like a comfy blanket or a warm fire. Intimacy understands.

Of course, we are not perfect people...sometimes intimacy can be shrouded up by argument, stress, neediness, apathy -- a whole host of things can shroud it up. Not permanently, but it can shroud it up in that moment. The real test of intimacy is accepting pain and hurt, accepting argument, accepting mistakes and the worst, accepting it all.



The opposite of intimacy is insecurity -- where intimacy is open and a complete, shared 50-50 bond with someone, insecurity on the other hand is imbalance. Intimacy is openness, insecurity is closed up, clenched up, tightly wound. Intimacy is balance, while insecurity -- by its very nature -- is imbalance. Intimacy is welcoming, whereas insecurity is defensive. The reason for this is simple -- intimacy is a risk. It is not something random, it only comes up naturally between people in very, very special circumstances. It is a state of complete openness. A state of being completely naked, and accepting the other person's openness and being completely naked. It is a trust, it is a bond, it is a flow of connection, a delicate dance of listening and sharing.

Insecurity, on the other hand, simply talks. Insecurity is what happens when the ego is scared. Insecurity is what makes people afraid of love, afraid of intimacy. Insecurity can always be relaxed and bested by intimacy, but it is not always easy. Insecurity can not only cover up intimacy like a cloud over the sun, but it can also fracture a person. The Buddha once said, "Doubt splits people apart." In this way, also internally, doubt and insecurity splits people apart. If intimacy is "going with it," insecurity is "going against it." Intimacy accepts and relaxes, insecurity rejects out of fear or stress. Insecurity is the guy that questions, "Am I in love? Have I fallen out of love? Have I fallen in love?" Intimacy doesn't have to ask these questions. By the very asking of these questions proves that the seeds of intimacy and love have been planted -- we are just scared to see where they go.

It is easy to see why -- intimacy is the ability to be open and accept being hurt, while insecurity begs us to run away and distance ourselves from the ability to be intimate. Insecurity thrives on impatience and apathy, while intimacy thrives on patience and caring. Intimacy accepts insecurity. Insecurity cannot accept itself.

I mentioned how we can see the difference between "friends" and "lovers" is prevalent in our culture and our mindsets -- why is this? True love is based on friendship, on intimacy. Is that not friendship? To illustrate this better, let's use an example -- seeds.

In true love, seeds are planted. They don't even need to happen more than once -- as long as they are planted, they can grow with proper nourishment. In "good love," we have the seed of the feeling of love, infatuation, sparks. We also have got to have the seed of some sort of attraction, some sort of sexual, physical desire. There also is the seed of compassion and caring and friendship, and then there is the seed of understanding. But the most important seed of all is intimacy. Without intimacy, true love cannot thrive. True love springs up from intimacy -- sexual, emotional, intellectual all spring up naturally when intimacy is nourished. And this is how I know I am in love with her -- never before (and perhaps never again) have I felt such intimacy, such closeness with a living person. It doesn't even need to happen more than a few times -- once it is there, it can only grow.

All of these seeds, if planted and experienced even once, can grow magnificently, always.

They are not always there, they are not always there at every moment. But the seed is there, for whenever it wants to spring up. All it takes is a little watering.



Many couples do not understand the seed of intimacy, however. They simply think love is the seed of love, or desire, or sparks. When love or desire or sparks are quieted, they leave or form a divorce. Others think the seed is simply friendship. But without true connection of souls, without the seed of intimacy, true love cannot shine. Luckily with her, if even it is obscured from time to time, if even now it is obscured -- I know I've felt and can feel this way with her, just with her.

If we define "lovers" as a couple that feels like romance is the only seed to their relationship, then that relationship will fail. Then "lovers" is not a good term to use. Saying "I love you, I love you, I love you" over and over again will not last if it is based solely on romance, because romance comes and goes. Sometimes you feel loving and horny, other times not. This is natural. So if "lovers" means this love, then I want no part in being a "lover."

On the other hand, being simple friends can be a good part to a relationship, but it cannot be the only part. I am good friends with my roommate. I am good friends with some girls, some guys, a bunch of people. Why do I not feel such a deep, loving, blissful connection to them? Because the seed of true, full intimacy -- physical and emotional -- simply is not there. The seeds are not all there. With her, I have intimacy. To her, I am attracted. But there are many attractive people in the world -- why not sleep with them all? You guessed it -- no intimacy with those people. No seed. So being in a true bond with someone is more than friendship, more than being a lover.

She is more than my best friend. She is more than a lover. She is my intimate one. Feelings come and go at their own pace -- sometimes I feel excited, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel sexual, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel attracted, sometimes not. But intimacy -- that seed is like no other. Intimacy is a true, true bond. Intimacy in human beings can only be formed mutually -- both need to experience it for the bond to take hold in that moment. A bond of potential -- intimacy is being open. Sometimes it is here, sometimes it is not -- like all things, there is night with day -- but the very fact that the seed is there is proof -- proof of true love. Proof it can blossom. With proper cultivation, precious seeds can flower. For intimacy, I love her.

More Memories

So many memories. :) ♥























+ my one secret song for her, forever. <3

Memories!

Going over the memories, with my roommate, makes me so happy. So, so happy, nostalgic, sad and happy...these memories I'll hold forever. The thrill, the excitement, the closeness, the bonding, the love, even the boring days! In the end it's always been beautiful. :) The one I felt was my soulmate 100% -- which I still feel. These memories were only the beginning, my throat starts to choke when I realize it may not grow.... Hopefully there will be more memories, but I know in my heart, whatever happens, even if she does leave me in the dust, I'll love her till the day I die.

My Dreams

Gone.

All gone.

I would have waited. I would have stayed. I would have been without pressure. Free, like I tried so hard today to say. If only she could see me now...how returned I've been! I would have been loyal and surprising and funny and alive. I would have been me. And parts of myself she's never seen. Such fun together, it almost makes me cry. I would have been happy. With her, the only one I've ever, ever felt this way with. :)

But sometimes, people forget their love. And they feel like they must go. Such things, although so sad...I cannot control them, people are not my own. People forget the specialness. Up until yesterday, I had forgotten it. For a whole month. Then I saw her and it all came back. :) But sometimes people do not wait or stay.... I hope it is temporary but I cannot know.... I tried to explain, to apologize, to listen today, but she simply accused me.... All I wanted to do today was be myself and honest and patient and it would get better. But I guess I am here...once more, left standing, in the rain.

She's always in my heart.

What Time Is It?

I wonder -- why does the mind always seek to compare the present and the past/future? A true question. When I live here and now, I feel love and contentment and peace. When I do not take life as it is and live in la-la land, love turns to suffering and contentment flies away. I wonder why the mind does this? My twice-a-day meditations are perhaps helping to calm this mental tick. In all of life, in every moment, there is no problem. In yourself, in the world, between yourself and others -- there is no problem. But how hard it is to relax the mind and let it know this! True freedom is letting go. I admit that in my life, lately I have not been myself. Controlling motivated by fear and insecurity have permeated my actions of late. Communication is good, but control is not. Overdemanding, overbearing, and over doing it I have been -- out of character. This has driven her away...all I know is day by day I am changing, day by day I am returning, I can feel it as I return to music more, returning to myself -- all I know is I want her to be with me and to come back, day by day I am more myself, and it will all be okay. I am not running from myself anymore. I am not begging anymore. I stand amidst the roar and listen. I will not let it control me. I am on my own hero's journey.

As the Buddha said, "No one can save us but ourselves. No one can and no one may." He also said, "Live in joy, in love, even among those who hate." He speaks of the mind. I am around those who love, but if resentment, apathy, or hateful thoughts come to me, I no longer let them move me. I am more still, day by day. There is no reason to look beyond my eyes for security, it is within myself. In this way, each day I try and learn to let go more, to return to myself. Letting go allows for love and peace -- if we grasp too tightly, we may just lose what we are holding on to!

Lightning Flashes

"Lightning flashes, sparks fly!
In one blink of the eye,
you have missed seeing."

-- ancient Zen saying

Isolation

Mother I tried please believe me
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am

Existence, well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future
The present is well out of hand
The present is well out of hand

True Love

“You cannot love someone if you don't understand that person. This is simple. And if you love without understanding, you are making him or her suffer. That is not true love. Deprive the other person of space, of freedom, of freshness, and you can see that. And when the other person is not nourished by love, you will not be nourished by love.

When you practice love and kindness, you are the first person who profits from the practice. A man or a woman that is motivated by bringing joy and transforming suffering is beautiful, in himself, or herself. And of course the person he loves or she loves will be beautiful too, because she is water by my tree. So, when the other person does not look happy, we know that there is something wrong in our love. We should stop saying, “I love her so! I have done everything in my power in order to make her happy. Why isn't she happy? She doesn't want to be happy!” We should not blame like that. We should go back and look deeply into the nature of our love, to see whether we understand that person and her sufferings.

In the beginning, she is a flower. We think, without her, how could we survive? But now, she doesn't look like a flower. And we blame her! We blame her for not being our flower. But who is the person responsible for the flower? You. What have you been doing to your flower? Love has turned into hatred. And now you have a different kind of opinion. You think that separation is the best way. “I cannot live with her anymore.” Quite an opposite statement.

So love transforming into hatred is a very common thing. And therefore you should practice love everyday in order to keep love alive. And love, in the Buddhist context, is bringing joy and transforming suffering in the other person. How can you do that if you are not calm enough, if you do not look deeply into him or her in order to see what kind of need he has, what kind of suffering she has? Who does not need meditation?”

-- Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

To Have No Fear

How does one have no fear? I suspect in the grand spectre of life, fear is not something that can be destroyed completely. Confronted, encountered, overcome? Yes. But it is not so easy as it sounds.

For the past month and more, fears have plagued me. Fears of loss, fears of change, fear of living now. Fear of accepting myself. Fear of not knowing all that is to be known. From fear, breeds insecurity, and from there, it becomes a very difficult path. Darkness becomes light and light is hidden in the background. Fear and doubt separates people -- it separates within, and it can separate without.

For the past day, I have tried to observe my fear. To feel it, to know it, but not to grap hold of it or push it away. The thought occurred to me last night, while watching a movie -- if I 'buy into' fear's game by overthinking and doubting, how will I overcome it? And if I suppress it, how will I overcome it then? Both breed more ground from fear.

One of fears first main tricks, I've realized, is to put itself onto someone or something else -- something external. For me, its main force lies in my best relationship. Even in typing, "best relationship," I can feel my fear come and try to bring doubt and darkness to that sentence. But I know, in my head and in the peaceful, pure parts of my heart, that it is true. I know that when fear does not grab hold, I love her. I know that even so much as seeing her, or talking to her, can ease my fear considerably. So by this logic, the fear certainly is coming from within.

It has occurred to me that fear is only enabled by living in the future, or living in the past. Living in the now, letting it unfold, seeing where it will go, plucks fear up at its roots. Indeed, expectations, fantasies, and 'lost in the future'-ness all breed fear. Fear that what you have in your head cannot become real. Fear that letting life surprise you will somehow be a shame. But fear, of all things, is one of the easiest to see as false -- its logic does not hold up, and its power diminishes under love and caring.



Sadness of the past, and failures and disappointments in myself bring about fear and doubt. The present moment never brings doubt to bear. But it is so hard to living in the present. When fears of past relationship failures, when projections of the past try to force themselves onto the reality now, when fears of loss of identity with tragedy come, it is not always easy to stay in the present moment. Inspiration bubbles up from seeing now as now. When you feel so drained, so emotional and physically tired all the time, when you feel that you have no more to contribute and that somehow there is something better beyond the present moment, I realize that fears such as these build on each other -- and in order to be confronted and overcome, they must not be enabled.

I once heard that 'where you fear, is where you must go.' If this is true, and what I fear is vulnerableness, faith (in myself, in others, and in life itself), and the future -- or doubts of myself to the point where it tries to undo my past out of fear -- then that is where I must be. That is where I must go. Fears of the past, all bottled up and ready to come out at the slightest flinch, fabricating themselves on top of themselves -- that is what is happening now.Though I try to manage it all inside, at least I have her. Even if I can feel resentment towards others and myself, even somehow including her (which is shocking to me), all due to fear, I can tell her. I can't tell others. With her, there is the possibility.

I wonder where this fear came from, how it grew, where its origins were. Since all of us can feel fear almost at least once every day, it is hard to tell where one began and where another ended. Indeed, in the month of February, there were moments where fear did start to show itself, even in small meaningless things. Perhaps the mistake that ensued was that the fear presented itself as control, and that is something that I may not have let go of. Control showed up with the promise that it could replicate these good feelings by not letting life unfold, by not "just seeing what will happen," but by actively making the future certain. The results of this emotion, presenting itself as fear, is happily not so worrisome, as my beloved is understanding of me, but the real problem lay in the intention -- since control and fear thrive on idealism, it is empowered by not seeing what it wants happen. Control and fear grows. In this way, the pure intention of control is futile. It will never win. By controlling, life loses its magic. By expecting, we miss life as it really is. By projecting, with possibilities, we miss the possibilities and moments available to us now. In short, these emotions that I grabbed hold of for comfort can destroy the person who grabs onto them, and it will keep you chasing something beyond yourself forever, never happy with what is.

Luckily I have at least seen this in myself. It could very well be that I, without a good friend and companion & meditation training, would not have realized this. Like so many others, control and fear would have destroyed my life, blotting out the loves and pleasures it promised so dearly. This I cannot let happen.

I see my fears now. More will unfold in the future. I do not understand them completely, I do not know where each fear starts from and where the next begins. But I do know this -- within myself, and together with her help, I will not allow fear and uncertainty to cloud my life. It has before and to let it happen again would be a very big folly. To see life as it is, to know projections and idealisms in your head & to not let them faze you -- in this way, fears and uncertainty will lose their power. They lose their power to the only thing that they can't handle -- the present moment, as it is, the world, in all its beauty, as it is, with no expectation, no gold-standard for the world to live up to. The world is its own gold-standard. When fear and uncertainty see this, suddenly their power goes up in smoke.

All I Know

All I know is she makes me happy. She makes me calm, relaxed. I can be myself with her. I feel it all with her. All I know is that it is unexplainable, and that trying to explain it is no use at all. All I know is I like it. And all I know is I've never felt this way, good and bad, for another person before. All I know is I want her to stay, and I want to stay. That's all I know.

Spectrum of Love

Alan Watts - "Spectrum of Love"

In the Feeling, in the Moment

"Two come about because of One,
but don't cling to the One either!
So long as the mind does not stir,
the ten thousand things stay blameless;
no blame, no phenomena,
no stirring, no mind.

The viewer disappears along with the scene,
the scene follows the viewer into oblivion,
for scene becomes scene only through the viewer,
viewer becomes viewer because of the scene."

-- Seng-ts'an, Zen Master, 600 A.D.

I'm hers

I'm hers...and she knows it. :D I'm all hers. And those eyes, and all of her...she makes me melt.

Horizons

Indeed, All We Have Is Now, and all Herein

"Of whom and of what indeed can I say: "I know that!" This heart within me I can feel, and I judge that it exists. This world I can touch, and I likewise judge that it exists. There ends all my knowledge, and the rest is construction. For if I try to seize this self of which I feel sure, if I try to define and to summarize it, it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers. I can sketch one by one all the aspects it is able to assume, all those likewise that have been attributed to it, this upbringing, this origin, this ardor or these silences, this nobility or this vileness. But aspects cannot be added up. This very heart which is mine will forever remain indefinable to me." -- Albert Camus

Love in the present moment. True being is being here. This I now see clearly, and all seems much relieved and infinitely more beautiful. As said in the great movie "Groundhog Day," Bob turns to his love Rita and asks in that great moment, the Tere hommikust!, "Is there anything I can do for you...today?" To love her, and love life, in the present moment -- that is all I, or anything, can ask of life. And it is all I'll ever need.

Fear

I truly see the solution to the problem -- that there was no problem. In the case of love, what I had was indeed what Alan Watts describes -- fear of love! How silly! It is no use that way, to be afraid. To let go, to go with it, to be those feelings and let it all in, to be taken, vulnerability -- that is true life and true love.

Art!

and love.

Chosen

I've chosen light.

Fog

Relative roaring.

Relative calm.

Confusion blinds my sight, dark and doubtful feelings still arise and thoughts have trouble ceasing...feelings and sensitivity have trouble growing....

But for a moment today...a brief moment of 15 minutes, no more...I felt calm and sensitive and love with her and her voice and her face and with my favorite band Slowdive....for that moment, just that moment...things were clearer and true and flowing....

It has been shrouded up again but it gives me hope...the rest of the day, my dark thoughts and feelings try their best to conspire against moments like that and prove how wrong they are and ignore their existence...but I must hold on to it, I must not give into confusion and the way of darkness and fog...the fog is subtler now but still there, it hides most feelings except doubt and unease...

But that moment... It gives me hope. It was the most genuine I've felt all day. And genuineness is natural and real and true, more than conflicting and confusing and forced thoughts ever could be. I knew in that moment how much my love was for her and how peace and calm is real...she gives me calm, I hear her voice or see her or see her words, and confusion and fog lifts, if only for a moment.

I love her and she's what I have, all I have. Though thoughts conspire against myself, my feelings, her, and the world...I know they are confusion, I must make it...she keeps me going when I doubt it and though my feelings still are shrouded and my thoughts are shrouded...I feel it is getting better. Every fog can lift...even those inside, even the hardest ones. Truth and dedication and persistence... as the Dalai Lama says, great change doesn't happen overnight...for the fog lifting, it is the same. Though thoughts may conspire against it, I know that truly, I love her. Together, I can make it. To my Frodo, she's my Sam.

This post is taking much out of me, I probably cannot continue it...twice I've felt the uneasiness try to edit and delete my true thoughts on here, but no, must not let. Making it, day by day, getting better though perhaps it is hard to see...she's my mast, and I'm holding tight, waiting and hoping and holding close for the storm in me to pass.

Which Path We Choose

Light.

The Inner Battle

Harry's Inner Battle
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at MOVIECLIPS.com

Voldemort: "You've lost... So weak, so vulnerable! Look at me!"
Harry Potter: "...You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."

Still Here

Must hope.

and

thank the stars for her

.

I feel like destroying everything.

Fuck everything.

Valley of Darkness

"When I was young, I was told: 'You'll see, when you're fifty.' I am fifty and I haven't seen a thing." -- Erik Satie



I feel like I'm on the far side of the moon, and I'm out of contact.

This past month has been very hard for me. It has been inexplicable, but I have not felt these feelings since the dark times. I haven't felt these things since all the way back to depression. And somehow it's gotten worse in some spots as well. For almost a week I had difficulty even playing the smallest bit of music. Until very recently I had a hard time even listening to music to enjoy it. Everything seemed a chore. Waking up seemed a chore. I had basically one bright spot in my life that kept me going. I'm still glad I have her with me -- if I didn't, who knows where I would be now -- but the fact that what seems to be taking place in my heart affects all -- if it is hard on me, it must affect her. That is the last thing I want, but what can I do.

I will not pretend that distance does not make it hard. It does. It makes it difficult. Sometimes I need a hug and it's just not possible. It increases my missing of her so much that sometimes it is indeed pretty much instantaneous -- sometimes I miss her the moment she leaves, or the moment I leave, a conversation. Do I have an explanation for this? The fact is that I care. I have feelings, and they are what they are, I won't make excuses for them. I have a lot of feeling towards her.

Do I think about it a lot? Yes. Do I wait around on Facebook for long stretches of time? Yes. Do I get impatient not knowing about the future? Yes. Yes to everything. Do I feel sad and confused sometimes? Do I feel alone without her? Do I miss her terribly and need her in my life? Yes to all, I can't fight it. Do I not understand why I can't know, why it cannot be asked, the plans for the summer? Why it is so impossible to ask and to know so I can get my passport? Do I want to know this? Do I get frustrated? Yes, yes, what am I to say, but yes?

But although distance has made it hard, this cannot be the full explanation for my feelings as of late, for this depression. If that were so it would have been this way back in December as well, and it was not. I know that this is more -- this is me. The problem is me. I feel no direction. I have always felt direction. I have always felt that I was improving, that I was learning, that I was moving towards some creative peak. I no longer feel this. Sometimes I feel like crying, and I don't know why. I have had to force myself to eat lately, for I don't get hungry and can go too long (an entire day, not so long ago) without food. Emotions berate me in places I used to be content in. A relief is that it is tremendously helpful to have her in my life to help me with some of this, but she is not always there, and she doesn't know everything about it, as I do not want to burden her with so much of my troubles. My inner door is open only to her, but what is inside can scare even me.

I have not felt this lack of purpose in a very long time. Perhaps in forever. Philosophically, I am lost. Thoughts only disturb me, they do not help. As I know from Zen, what I am experiencing is delusion -- I read passages of Zen and it is so clear that this is my case, of delusion. My door has closed to everyone else in terms of life. I wish I knew why, as it would be very helpful. But I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like deleting everything of me and shredding everything to pieces, myself included, but I know there is at least one person out there who cares.

I have had brief spouts of respite this month. Almost all involve talking with her and communicating with her -- those have been the moments keeping me going. With her it becomes bearable, and in it I mostly do not feel alone anymore -- I mostly feel okay, and love. But it is so hard outside of these times -- in my classes, I have little social interaction due to the large class sizes and internet. Sometimes, she and my roommate are the only people I talk to all day. They are my threads of existence I hold onto, even if I can sometimes get annoyed by my roommate's presence.

Dreams of late have bothered me, and even more so....what I have been lately. Today, I felt so horrible for doing something, saying something I wish I had not. Also, I have a hard time even discussing MBTI theory with my roommate anymore, because I don't want to be treated as an INFP. I wanted to be treated as a human being, forget INFP. For someone who hates judgements so much, in my heart judgements have been all I've been doing lately -- seeing how this is wrong, this should be controlled, this is not right -- and I don't want it at all. And what have I been judging the most? Me. I rip myself to pieces. Sometimes I wish it would stop, I feel like just collapsing. I wish those thoughts would just fucking go away. I've been healthy before, I've been healthy with her -- why can't I just be like that all the time?

The only things that bring me hope in my life, in this, is her, and perhaps the thoughts of some Zen I read, that suggest there is hope always in the change of things. It says every moment always changes, and I guess that really is true, that this can change. It seems so hard. My future looks so hard for me, in school and so forth. I mask it well, but internally it is very rough -- only she knows about it, and my roommate a little. She is the only one who understands, even if she doesn't always completely understand -- she understands the most. But also, this Zen, it suggests I can feel at peace once more. Left to myself, I have felt nothing but internal chaos and a feeling of manic lately. I have meditated on and off for the past 3 years, and as of late I have gotten a little afraid of it -- not so much afraid of the meditation itself, but of me -- and so that has been tough. But perhaps I will meditate once more.

Though I travel through the valley of darkness, and I doubt everything, including myself, her, everyone, my future -- I have her, that I must believe. I do love her, and with her I feel loved. It keeps me going. I just please hope that this black darkness and shrieking confusion will just go away soon....

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Still so powerful all these years later, even to those like me who aren't Irish. Words to be remembered.

"Let me tell you something. I have had enough of Irish-Americans who haven't been back to 'their country' in twenty or thirty years come up to me and talk about 'the resistance', 'the revolution' back home and the 'glory' of the revolution and the glory of 'dying' for the revolution. Fuck the revolution! They don't talk about the glory of KILLING for the revolution! What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a Remembrance Day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day? Where's the glory in that? To leave them dying or crippled for life or dead under the rubble of the revolution, that the majority of the people in my country don't want? Sing NO MORE!"

Gravity

♥

Under Ice

Dark moods have found their way to my heart lately, but at least through it all, I have her by my side, the most precious, precious breath of air in my wintery life...she's everything to me. It helps. Sometimes I dream of holding her in my arms, and I wish with every atom in my body that I could right now, and to be with her...I feel like I need it as much as I need water, or air, from my best, best friend and so much more. Though darkness can envelope my heart, she's with me, and that makes it all more okay. The thought of her keeps me warm and safe at night. I love her so much.

The Secret Place

My heart, my heart, my heart, and us in the secret place....

Brighter

"She said don't you know that
There's people in places
And places I've never seen
And everyone said that
She's better off dead
But she looked like she wanted it all

And when it all looks brighter
Just turn around and smile"

Everything That Spring Can Bring

"You can never hold back spring
You can be sure I will never stop believing
The blushing rose, it will climb
Spring ahead or fall behind
Winter dreams the same dream, every time

Baby you can never hold back spring
Even though you've lost your way
The world is dreaming, dreaming of spring

So close your eyes
Open your heart
To the one who's dreaming of you
And you can never hold back spring
Remember everything that spring can bring
Baby you can never hold back spring
Baby you can never hold back spring"

The Two 6 Minutes That Changed My Life

1) Gene Roddenberry's "The Star Trek Dream"

It was off of the soundtrack to the original "Star Trek" film from 1979, newly remastered all those years ago when, as a preteen in love with both sci-fi and movie soundtracks, I stumbled upon this set of 2 discs, the first being the soundtrack, and the second, I could care less at the time. I rushed to buy my newfound gem, happy that I had been lucky enough to find the idyllic soundtrack to one of my favorite sci-fi movies.

The first disc gleefully never left my CD player, but as time went on, slowly I began to wonder, what was on that second disc? That second disc, my curiosity eventually discovered, was full of interviews of the cast and crew of the original "Star Trek" movie, full of surprisingly interesting insights about science fiction, the show itself, and our society, and where it was going into the future.

But the greatest gem was at the end of the CD. As a preteen who had never quite fit in (and perhaps that is all of us at some time), my dreams and dreaming could lead me into places all my own, to escape the wrath of bullies and rules and judgements from my school, my teachers, and most of all, my fellow classmates.

I used to listen to this every night in bed, every night that I felt lonely and completely and totally alone in this world without a direction, without a home. I listened to this. And his words have changed my life. They got me through the best and worst times of teenager-dom, so thank you Gene Roddenberry. Thank you for understanding me, and thank you for letting me dream!

---------------------------------

2) Wayne Coyne's "Creating Your Own Happiness"

I found the band by accident, I found the article by accident, but I suppose it simply is a perfect send-up to the idea of being open to whatever comes your way. In this short, little-known NPR interview, Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips gave this little speech, or spoken thought, on happiness. I stumbled upon it completely by random one day, after school as a teen. That tiny decision to invest my time and listen to what he said would turn out to change my life, much like how Gene Roddenberry had with his special words.

As I listened, I could literally almost feel some kind of understanding shoot open into my teenage mind & heart -- I knew what he was saying was right, it all made sense. These thoughts, I'd had them randomly before, but it all came together here. His words made so much more sense than what I'd been told before about happiness. And it helped my teenage years become more than just a tragedy.

Thanks, Wayne. Your simple words changed my world.

Audio:

☮♡