Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My Life is Not as it Once Was


I have finally begun to realize it. It has taken me much time, much debate, and much turmoil to understand, but I've discovered it -- I am not enlightened.

In the past few months, even years, things have increased ever-more into a flurry of quickened paces. Places to go. Things to read. Goals to reach. People to impress. The more I go on, the more I realize, this is not what I wanted. I have less and less motivation in my current state to go on in this way. Yet I know there is another way....I only have to trust once more. I know this because I once experienced it.

I still remember it clear as day. Two years ago. It was the start of my senior year of high school, and I had many things on my mind. But it didn't faze me at all, and my life was blissful. I had problems. But yet I was happy. Why? Because my mind was clear as water. The world of thoughts, ideas, and notions which clouded my world were falling away. My meditations, which were regular and frequent, brought about this realization of transformation. I did not concern myself with the petty addictions which harm us so. I was letting go of harmful thoughts, letting go of the optional suffering we all seem so willing to inflict upon our lives, and I was embracing my true nature.

I look at myself now and I wonder. Where have I gone? In all my philosophical explorations, in all the times ideas and tiny enlightenments flowed my way (which occurs with less and less frequency), in all the times my thoughts provoked an awed response amongst my listeners, I am starting to believe it was all for nought. It has led me astray. My mind is full of ideas, preconceptions, and false symbols which have so clouded my reality, that my state of confusion is now a constant malaise.

Lost I am now as ever before. I see the shore. Yet it is only now that I realize I was once on that shore, and my lack of perception & hypnotism into the false world of ideas has let me drift once more into the sea of doubt and confusion. It is my own doing that has wrung this.



There is an ancient Zen saying, I believe first quoted by the Buddha, which effectively said that you cannot see the truth if confusion clouds your vision. I believe this to be true. It is the way of our culture to pretend that confusion of wisdom can be repaired by fighting your way out of the paper bag that is your mind. Yet, as I know this is untrue, I have still been sucked into this.

It is said that in times like these one needs a teacher. I do not have a teacher any longer. It is the time now for me to be among the forest, as the ancient heroes of long past had to venture in. It was their journey, it was their darkness they needed to move through; as with them, so with me now. It seems to me some things never change! Only some heroes emerge a Bodhisattva -- not all can or wish to. And I think it is good to see this. Englightenment is a personal exploration, and sharing it with others is but an option. It is myself I must see first.

In all this, I simply know now that I am not enlightened. I see now that I can no longer feel that I am. My journey is continuing. My Western mind once sought for Eastern mind. I now seek for no mind.

Peace, and I wish you well upon your own journey. Thanks for listening.