Fog

Relative roaring.

Relative calm.

Confusion blinds my sight, dark and doubtful feelings still arise and thoughts have trouble ceasing...feelings and sensitivity have trouble growing....

But for a moment today...a brief moment of 15 minutes, no more...I felt calm and sensitive and love with her and her voice and her face and with my favorite band Slowdive....for that moment, just that moment...things were clearer and true and flowing....

It has been shrouded up again but it gives me hope...the rest of the day, my dark thoughts and feelings try their best to conspire against moments like that and prove how wrong they are and ignore their existence...but I must hold on to it, I must not give into confusion and the way of darkness and fog...the fog is subtler now but still there, it hides most feelings except doubt and unease...

But that moment... It gives me hope. It was the most genuine I've felt all day. And genuineness is natural and real and true, more than conflicting and confusing and forced thoughts ever could be. I knew in that moment how much my love was for her and how peace and calm is real...she gives me calm, I hear her voice or see her or see her words, and confusion and fog lifts, if only for a moment.

I love her and she's what I have, all I have. Though thoughts conspire against myself, my feelings, her, and the world...I know they are confusion, I must make it...she keeps me going when I doubt it and though my feelings still are shrouded and my thoughts are shrouded...I feel it is getting better. Every fog can lift...even those inside, even the hardest ones. Truth and dedication and persistence... as the Dalai Lama says, great change doesn't happen overnight...for the fog lifting, it is the same. Though thoughts may conspire against it, I know that truly, I love her. Together, I can make it. To my Frodo, she's my Sam.

This post is taking much out of me, I probably cannot continue it...twice I've felt the uneasiness try to edit and delete my true thoughts on here, but no, must not let. Making it, day by day, getting better though perhaps it is hard to see...she's my mast, and I'm holding tight, waiting and hoping and holding close for the storm in me to pass.