My Life is Not as it Once Was

I have finally begun to realize it. It has taken me much time, much debate, and much turmoil to understand, but I've discovered it -- I am not enlightened.

In the past few months, even years, things have increased ever-more into a flurry of quickened paces. Places to go. Things to read. Goals to reach. People to impress. The more I go on, the more I realize, this is not what I wanted. I have less and less motivation in my current state to go on in this way. Yet I know there is another way....I only have to trust once more. I know this because I once experienced it.

I still remember it clear as day. Two years ago. It was the start of my senior year of high school, and I had many things on my mind. But it didn't faze me at all, and my life was blissful. I had problems. But yet I was happy. Why? Because my mind was clear as water. The world of thoughts, ideas, and notions which clouded my world were falling away. My meditations, which were regular and frequent, brought about this realization of transformation. I did not concern myself with the petty addictions which harm us so. I was letting go of harmful thoughts, letting go of the optional suffering we all seem so willing to inflict upon our lives, and I was embracing my true nature.

I look at myself now and I wonder. Where have I gone? In all my philosophical explorations, in all the times ideas and tiny enlightenments flowed my way (which occurs with less and less frequency), in all the times my thoughts provoked an awed response amongst my listeners, I am starting to believe it was all for nought. It has led me astray. My mind is full of ideas, preconceptions, and false symbols which have so clouded my reality, that my state of confusion is now a constant malaise.

Lost I am now as ever before. I see the shore. Yet it is only now that I realize I was once on that shore, and my lack of perception & hypnotism into the false world of ideas has let me drift once more into the sea of doubt and confusion. It is my own doing that has wrung this.



There is an ancient Zen saying, I believe first quoted by the Buddha, which effectively said that you cannot see the truth if confusion clouds your vision. I believe this to be true. It is the way of our culture to pretend that confusion of wisdom can be repaired by fighting your way out of the paper bag that is your mind. Yet, as I know this is untrue, I have still been sucked into this.

It is said that in times like these one needs a teacher. I do not have a teacher any longer. It is the time now for me to be among the forest, as the ancient heroes of long past had to venture in. It was their journey, it was their darkness they needed to move through; as with them, so with me now. It seems to me some things never change! Only some heroes emerge a Bodhisattva -- not all can or wish to. And I think it is good to see this. Englightenment is a personal exploration, and sharing it with others is but an option. It is myself I must see first.

In all this, I simply know now that I am not enlightened. I see now that I can no longer feel that I am. My journey is continuing. My Western mind once sought for Eastern mind. I now seek for no mind.

Peace, and I wish you well upon your own journey. Thanks for listening.

The Longest Journey

I was never attached to that great sect
Whose doctrine is that each one should select
Out of the world a mistress or a friend,
And all the rest, though fair and wise, commend
To cold oblivion, - though it is the code
Of modern morals, and the beaten road
Which those poor slaves with weary footsteps tread,
By the broad highway of the world – and so
With one sad friend, perhaps a jealous foe,
The dreariest and longest journey go.

-- Percy Bysshe Shelley, Epipsychidion (1821)

Certainly it has been a long journey -- perhaps even from the time of the last post to this one (ha!). I really have been busy trying to get through my first year of college well enough, and of course in the meantime I have been going on trying to get my head 'round everything as I go....

But! A highlight of this period is that I have been reading a really fascinating (albeit slow, let's be honest here) book by the great 20th century novelist E. M. Forster, titled The Longest Journey. The main character of the book, named Rickie, is a young college student at Cambridge who really doesn't know what he wants to do in life. He receives many pressures from his friends and distant relatives, all persuading him to take up something practical, but he can't really see anything in it for him. What he really is talented at is his writing -- or, at the very least, if not talented, it is his hobby and passion.

Rickie's had problems. Not really things happening with him, but rather things happening to him. As a kid, his parents had troubles. His life was in constant flux...a dad always gone, a mother who had to play both roles as a parent; both of whom would no longer be with him as time went on. He grows up and professes to hate no one -- but we can see. His ultra-sensitivity makes itself quite clear as the novel proceeds...he truly is a romantic, but a tragic one at that. To those who wish to read the novel, I won't go too much further into detail, except to say that his life is given new direction -- not by him, but again to him. And he accepts that as his fate.

Well, if it's not obvious by now, I'll say it -- Rickie is me. Rarely if ever have I identified so much with a fictional character so much, and he is right where I am -- at the crossroads in life. What are his passions? Rickie doesn't know. Or perhaps he does not want to know. What are my passions? I do not know. Or do I, perhaps, not want to know? Would the truth be too much to bear?

I cannot say, really. I only know myself to a certain extent -- there are things of which I will search my whole life for, but in the end there shall be aspects I will never know. In Rickie's and in my case, choosing something to do for the rest of your life is a daunting task. Both of us would much rather explore the world, dawdling and philosophising, than make the choice. But we must. We know we must. And I know I must. Like Rickie, I would much rather be sincere than serious any day! But is sincerity in career such a tragically unattainable goal?

I just hope that, unlike Rickie, I can choose my own path...before it is chosen for me.

~/~

Here are two songs that I feel are very at home with this post....

Trapt -- Product of My Own Design
Kevin Renick -- Up in the Air

Birthday for me, birthday for blog

And yeah! Today is my 19th birthday and it's exciting as 19th birthdays get. It's an absolute party. Hence I am on blogger.

I know, didn't sound convincing to me either.

ALL WE HAVE IS NOW is the title of this blog, and I think it explains itself pretty well. On here I'll try and cover some cool things like music, movies, the occasional interesting news item and maybe, just maybe, I'll divulge some personal items of my very own life along the way. I'm interested in philosophy, I like to think a lot and all that jazzy nonsense, so that will probably show up too here and there a bit.

Got some old shoegaze CDs in the mail, Slowdive galore, so that will be up here soon I think. That's right, God forbid you've run into an actually introspective shoegazing stargazer. And, by Job, he's started his own blog.

Heaven help us.